ESC

Employment Security Commission. Yep. Unemployed. Lost my job on May 13th. Yeah, that's right -- FRIDAY THE FRIKKIN' 13TH. I think they planned it that way.

I'll be uploading some old stuff I've written over the next while. I found it during one of my house-cleaning fits. I've been having alot of those recently, as I have little else to do but clean and organize and re-organize.

The thing is, I don't have dates for a lot of these, but I know that this one is from sometime last year. I was working at CPU2, still going to the callcenter and back because I wasn't an At-Home Agent yet when this was written... so sometime between June and October.

Here goes.

"I did the dishes for ya, hon
I'm sorry I ain't got the strength
to do no more.

It's hard to scrub the floors
when you feel like crawling
across them
instead of pushing a broom.

And I'm sorry I forgot to clean
the room we share each night,
But it's hard to make the bed
I can't get out of."

I ran across this in some old notebook and thought it described what I was feeling up until a few weeks ago. Depression is a horrid thing. At least before I always had my voice, though. I could write, draw, explain what it was like. That helped. This time, it was suffocating. I was mute with pain.

I'm glad to re-emerge. To escape.

ESC

Some things to think about

I started the day by reading Lolita. Made it a quarter of the way through the book before breakfast. Thank you, Guy Gunn. Once I got past the pedophilia and approached it from a somewhat neutral stance, I found that it's actually a beautiful work of literature. I love the feel of the book, if not the content. I am intrigued, even if it is morbid subject matter. I love being able to peer into his mind. I tell you this to put you in tune with my headspace today.

In an eerie turn of events, I just finished reading the Kiki Kannibal article in Rolling Stone. There is alot there that I'd like to touch on, but one of the things that really got to me was the statutory rape. And I... really have no adequate words for that. But I feel incited and I must attempt to speak out. Please bear with me here.

Firstly -- Kiki, as a part of the hive-mind that is Internet, I am sorry. No one deserves to be treated that way. You are beautiful and unique and special and I respect and honor you. Sending healing thoughts. <3

I was tormented when I dressed differently, although nowhere nearly as badly. I was bullied in school, on the streets on Asheville by passerby, and by fellow Wal-mart shoppers for my clothing choices. I never had to deal with hate mail or threats or death, and I was still frazzled. I can't believe what you've been through.

I guess part of what saved me was a lack of internet exposure in high school. I didn't even join Facebook until I was in college. By then, I was legal and I guess the internet mobs take more pride in tormenting the underage crowd.

I just feel so grateful for the beauty and grace I find during times like this. As something of faith, I am thankful for the principles we live by in Unitarian Universalism. Respect and dignity. Inherent respect and dignity. That one has really been with me all day.

Another thing I'd like to mention is that in times like these it is so crucial to have an icon like Gaga supporting individuality, sexuality, sensuality, safety, self-efficacy and flying the freak flag high and proud.

Women have long fought injustices based on sex and gender. There are all sorts of issues to contend with after breaching that subject - illegal or indecent toplessness, rape trials based on the provocative clothing of the victim, etc. In my opinion, we should be safe to walk around naked in the street without rebuke or assault. No one should have to suffer threats of violence or worse because of what they wear, how much skin they show, or how unusual they look. Diversity is beautiful. The human body is beautiful and worthy of respect and awe.

Dressing differently, even sexually or scantily is not basis for torment or assault. It is artistic and brave and awesome and as someone who gave it up because of all the criticism, I must also say that it is damn difficult. There is a reason that kids dress like the group they hang out with - it makes it easier. I didn't have anyone to match with, and neither did Kiki.

I guess the last thing I wanted to say was that with all this talk about Bin Laden and Obama and the Tea Party and a few months ago all that mess with Jessi Slaughter... I just wanted to speak out against the hate and the shame and the ugliness. I know it doesn't seem connected. Maybe it's not. But can we try to be nicer to each other?

I know this note is disjointed, but I have a lot on my mind and I wanted to bungle my way through this to try and get it all out. I appreciate your thoughts, but please be respectful and sensitive to others in your comments.

Peace, love and strawberries.