ESC

Employment Security Commission. Yep. Unemployed. Lost my job on May 13th. Yeah, that's right -- FRIDAY THE FRIKKIN' 13TH. I think they planned it that way.

I'll be uploading some old stuff I've written over the next while. I found it during one of my house-cleaning fits. I've been having alot of those recently, as I have little else to do but clean and organize and re-organize.

The thing is, I don't have dates for a lot of these, but I know that this one is from sometime last year. I was working at CPU2, still going to the callcenter and back because I wasn't an At-Home Agent yet when this was written... so sometime between June and October.

Here goes.

"I did the dishes for ya, hon
I'm sorry I ain't got the strength
to do no more.

It's hard to scrub the floors
when you feel like crawling
across them
instead of pushing a broom.

And I'm sorry I forgot to clean
the room we share each night,
But it's hard to make the bed
I can't get out of."

I ran across this in some old notebook and thought it described what I was feeling up until a few weeks ago. Depression is a horrid thing. At least before I always had my voice, though. I could write, draw, explain what it was like. That helped. This time, it was suffocating. I was mute with pain.

I'm glad to re-emerge. To escape.

ESC

Some things to think about

I started the day by reading Lolita. Made it a quarter of the way through the book before breakfast. Thank you, Guy Gunn. Once I got past the pedophilia and approached it from a somewhat neutral stance, I found that it's actually a beautiful work of literature. I love the feel of the book, if not the content. I am intrigued, even if it is morbid subject matter. I love being able to peer into his mind. I tell you this to put you in tune with my headspace today.

In an eerie turn of events, I just finished reading the Kiki Kannibal article in Rolling Stone. There is alot there that I'd like to touch on, but one of the things that really got to me was the statutory rape. And I... really have no adequate words for that. But I feel incited and I must attempt to speak out. Please bear with me here.

Firstly -- Kiki, as a part of the hive-mind that is Internet, I am sorry. No one deserves to be treated that way. You are beautiful and unique and special and I respect and honor you. Sending healing thoughts. <3

I was tormented when I dressed differently, although nowhere nearly as badly. I was bullied in school, on the streets on Asheville by passerby, and by fellow Wal-mart shoppers for my clothing choices. I never had to deal with hate mail or threats or death, and I was still frazzled. I can't believe what you've been through.

I guess part of what saved me was a lack of internet exposure in high school. I didn't even join Facebook until I was in college. By then, I was legal and I guess the internet mobs take more pride in tormenting the underage crowd.

I just feel so grateful for the beauty and grace I find during times like this. As something of faith, I am thankful for the principles we live by in Unitarian Universalism. Respect and dignity. Inherent respect and dignity. That one has really been with me all day.

Another thing I'd like to mention is that in times like these it is so crucial to have an icon like Gaga supporting individuality, sexuality, sensuality, safety, self-efficacy and flying the freak flag high and proud.

Women have long fought injustices based on sex and gender. There are all sorts of issues to contend with after breaching that subject - illegal or indecent toplessness, rape trials based on the provocative clothing of the victim, etc. In my opinion, we should be safe to walk around naked in the street without rebuke or assault. No one should have to suffer threats of violence or worse because of what they wear, how much skin they show, or how unusual they look. Diversity is beautiful. The human body is beautiful and worthy of respect and awe.

Dressing differently, even sexually or scantily is not basis for torment or assault. It is artistic and brave and awesome and as someone who gave it up because of all the criticism, I must also say that it is damn difficult. There is a reason that kids dress like the group they hang out with - it makes it easier. I didn't have anyone to match with, and neither did Kiki.

I guess the last thing I wanted to say was that with all this talk about Bin Laden and Obama and the Tea Party and a few months ago all that mess with Jessi Slaughter... I just wanted to speak out against the hate and the shame and the ugliness. I know it doesn't seem connected. Maybe it's not. But can we try to be nicer to each other?

I know this note is disjointed, but I have a lot on my mind and I wanted to bungle my way through this to try and get it all out. I appreciate your thoughts, but please be respectful and sensitive to others in your comments.

Peace, love and strawberries.

Tequila Sunrise

It's been a while since I got up before/with the sunrise. I like it. It's like the whole world is quiet and waiting for the day to officially begin. I mean, there are of course an array of morning noises (ie. bird song, cars on the highway, wind blowing through the boughs of the trees outside, etc) -- but they participate in the feeling of hushed anticipation. Quiet doesn't necessitate silence, after all.

I've been getting up at 7am for the past 3 days now for a(nother) training class at work, and tomorrow is the last day I do so before reverting back to my normal schedule. I will miss the sun. The sun makes me so happy. I love seeing blue skies and feeling warmth radiate across my skin when I drive to work with the sunroof back and the windows down. But alas, I am doomed to work graveyard shifts. I have put in for a request to be scheduled earlier in the day so I can get off each night at midnight instead of 2am. Slight improvement.

Poncho has been talking about doing a travel blog, documenting the two of us on exploits and adventures. I think it would be fun to start here in Asheville and then spiral outward from there. What do y'all think?

Prayer

As in one who prays, but also the act itself.

I wanted to try to put one into words before bedding down for the night, but the words elude me. I thought that maybe typing it out would enable the process of solidifying these wisps of faith, but I seem to be coming up blank here as well.

*sigh*

I wish for dreams
To tuck me in
To wingtips clear
And lucid

I sigh for nights
So out of sight
I can't pretend the motives

I can't delay
This game we play
But I can stack the deck

I wish for dreams
To hide and find
Me

I wish for dreams
To dust and lust

Just get me off
This shelf

While I slumber
Pulled asunder

Let me rest in peace
At ease

If I'm not to have
My dreams

Let me rest in peace
At least

Whine

It's been 3 hours since I woke up and I've had the equivalent of 2 glasses of wine in one glass.

Poncho and I have been fighting. Things are looking grim. I'm depressed and the wine has helped to take the edge off - don't you dare tell me about how it's a "depressant". I know. It still helps.

I'm considering buying a pack of smokes. Just to, you know, get away from it all for a while. I'm too damn responsible. I need to lighten up, have fun. I'm in my early-mid twenties, for chrissake.

Here's to the future. Whatever the hell it brings.








Seriously, though: if you could keep us in your thoughts and prayers, I'd really appreciate it. I need all the well-wishing I can get.

A Collection of Poems Written in January

I am dreaming of a world

Dewey mists and snowflake-swirled

Swing ajoined through the trees

Giddy, dizzy as you please

Watchin' stars pop out the eaves

Breath as fog and winded leaves

And with words caressed I'll stay

Safe as houses on display

Undressed and stressed (like syllables

at play)

----------------------------------------------------------------

I am off to bed to dream

About Maple, Birch and Hemlock

Away above the cloud-tops

Where I can see the snowdrifts

Alight with newborn motives

*

I am off to bed to dream

About my cotton-candy sunrise

Pink plays between the fine lines

Along the blood-red backbone's spine

And how divine (I feel) to find

Colors blending -- so sublime

These snow-dusted peaks are mine

No`sh

Well now. Home at last to our little apartment after spending the past 5 days stuck in Madison County. If I ever see snow again, it will be too soon. We got a foot - A FOOT - of snow in Madison, and my car was conveniently buried under all 12 inches. To make matters worse - or funnier - my car was at the tippy top of the mile-long driveway, off a back road.

So what happened was this:

I had work last Sunday, and was scheduled for work last Monday but called in sick due to one of my joyful migraines. I had been planning on leaving here after work on Monday and heading up to Boone to spend some time with my mama, but due to the hangover I had from my migraine, I didn't. I left some time Tuesday after getting some much needed darkness and sensory deprivation. Spent Tuesday and Wednesday with mom and had loads of fun. Had a grand old time. Quality bonding with Ian (the son of my mom's boyfriend - John) whom I had not seen since... at least 2 years ago. We went to high school together, and I think we might have even been in the same grade. I know I had Earth Science with him, with Mr. Dixon. Loved that man. I wonder if he's still teaching? He was funny... had a sort of Canadian-sounding New York accent.

Anyway.

I intended to leave Boone around 9am on Thursday morning, but I ended up leaving around 11am because I got all wrapped up in this fascinating conversation with Ian and mom over coffee. But as soon as I got back to Asheville, Poncho and I departed for Madison County to spend the rest of the day with his mother (Kathey), stepfather (John) and younger sister (Charlotte). We decided to stay the night with them and leave for work early Friday morning so Poncho would a) have more time with his family, and b) get back home in time for work Friday evening. Well, turns out Poncho was able to figure out a way to use some PTO for Friday and we stayed with the family one more evening.

This is where things start to unravel.

I was scheduled to work Saturday evening, and by the time the festivities were over Friday night it was dark and I decided we would leave for Asheville the following morning. I awoke at 11am to find 4 inches of snow on the ground. I called in to work. It kept snowing. All day. All night. More snow. Called in again. Freaking out. No way to get out. Trapped. So much snow.

Man. That was fun.

So all the while that we're stuck in Madison, my dad's kind of upset with me. I'm not entirely sure why, since I don't control the weather. But he wanted Poncho to get out in this mess with no snow-appropriate wardrobe to his name and shovel the damn driveway. I'm sorry, but no. That driveway is curvy, unpaved and a mile long. Even if he did manage to shovel the whole thing clear in a clearly counterproductive downpour of snow, my car is not equipped to drive in those conditions and we would not have made it out anyway. And why is that? Because he didn't see fit to buy me a car with 4-wheel-drive because - and I quote - "I shouldn't be driving in those sort of conditions anyway".

So we were stuck and I was stressed out about it.

And what's funny about it is this: my dad hadn't even been able to make it up to the cabin as scheduled either. The roads in that part of Georgia were highly treacherous and they were still at the townhouse until things cleared up. They're still there now. I'm calling tomorrow before heading down there because the roads might not be okay for driving yet. But it's my fault we're snowed in and Poncho needs to resort of manual labor and yada yada. Gimme a break.

****As an aside, it took me nearly 3 days to work up to this level of dismissive sardonic anger. Before that, I was fighting back tears.****

Oh! And Meredi and Frank are in town. Surprise! They get into town tomorrow afternoon. We're supposed to be leaving for Dad's cabin at 10am since he wants us there by 2pm. I guess I could do what Poncho jokingly suggested and blow off dad, but I still kind of feel bad about running 3 days late and I don't think I have it in me. So unless it turns out that the roads in Big Canoe are still treacherous, I won't get to see my friends.

Here's hoping everything works out for the best.