Colposcopy Results

The biopsy revealed that there are high level changes in my cervical cells. That usually means a LEEP procedure, where they remove the parts of your cervix with such cells in order to restrict this sort of cellular activity as much as possible. Dr. Scott has decided not to take this action, on account of several reasons. First, I am young (relatively), and being closer in age to 20 than I am to 30, she is hesitant to remove chunks of my cervix.... Which is good, since I want to have kids eventually and all. Secondly, I've never had an abnormal pap smear before, so this is an isolated incident. Thirdly, since my pap smear was abnormal, but did not reveal high grade changes among cells, but only low grade changes, this isn't as bad... I think I got all that down correctly. It's all so complicated and they're all so careful in their speaking to me. They don't want to scare me.

I am scared. I've spent the better part of the day crying. And it's not just the test results. It's this whole new development with the student loan. I owe them so much money, and the account is delinquent, and I have no way of paying for it. Poncho and I were still struggling just to get rent together for Monday. I don't know what we'll do. We've been trying to find jobs. We've enlisted the help of unemployment, and I've sent off for information on food stamps. I don't know what else to do. It all seems a bit hopeless.

I feel better now, when I'm writing all of this. I talked on the phone with my mother for a while today, and she gave me some good advice. Live in the now. Live for the moment. In other words, don't worry about things, because worrying isn't going to help anything. Don't even think about the issues that stress you out, unless you can contribute good, positive, constructive sorts of thoughts to the issues. Planning, in other words, is fine.

The plan is this: tomorrow, my father and I are going to have a conference call and go in on this together. We'll figure out how to get a payment plan set-up or something. I'm supposed to go in for another pap-smear and colposcopy in June - four months from the one on Monday - and they'll see if my body has been able to fight this thing off on its own. If not, then they'll have to operate and do that LEEP thing and remove chunks of my cervix and god, I cringe a little just thinking about that. I have been instructed to take 1 mg of folic acid every day, to help strengthen my pathetic excuse for an immune system, in hopes that doing so will boost my body's chances for fighting this thing off on its own.

I took a multi-vitamin today with 500 mcg of folic acid in it - that's 125% of the daily amount you're supposed to be getting. It's a start. I'm just worried about the whole multi-vitamin thing. They usually make me jittery. Like caffeine.

I want to be healthy. I want to have pretty babies someday.

Pray for me.

Worst Pap Smear Ever

http://womenshealth.about.com/cs/cevicalconditions/a/colposcopy.htm

I had to have one of these today. I had my first abnormal pap smear back in December of last year and this is what the sciences have come up with as an answer to abnormal paps.

Really? Is this the best we can do? Where are the advancements in medical science when I need them? This was painful, and violating, and I cried. The Doctor and nurse administering this hellish ordeal felt really bad because I cried, so apparently it's not as bad for the other poor women who've gone through this.

But yipes! I mean, just read that article. It makes you squirm. It makes *me* squirm, and I already got it over and done with.

I get the results back Friday, or Monday at the latest. Wish me luck. Prayers are appreciated.

Poncho has been a dear, today. I feel so much better just having him near. I feel weak and vulnerable and exposed and mutilated. He makes me feel safer and so loved. I think he's done better for the discomfort than the Tylenol. Thank you, baby. I love you.