Next Time - A Poem

I feel the need to open up (a vein)

And bleed my emotions and

Thoughts across this page

There's so much to say

And I don't have words

To say it in

State again

How much you miss me

And love me

Reassure me that

This fatal attraction

Is non-threatening

I had lunch with a friend

Today

And there was so much to say

And not enough time to say it in

So I

Breathe deep and reel it all in

There's always next time

But next time,

There might not be time

To say so much

And I don't have words

To say it all

State it all

How you miss me

And love me

Reassure me that

This fatal attraction

Is non-threatening

I have an interview to do

Today

And there will be so much to say

And not enough time to say it in

Not enough space to feel in

And I fill in

These bubbles of black ink

That let you know just how honest

I am

Am I so easy

To sum up?

That multiple choice can make this choice

For you

To employ me?

Me? With the outspoken voice

And the need to express every though I commit

Like a guilty conscience riding on my left shoulder

Telling me over and over

To be honest and brave

But there's no time to say

All the myriad of things

I want to say

Need to

To stay

Sane

So I

Breathe deep and reel it all in

There's always next time

But next time,

There might not be such a time

All we have is the present

To spit such a rhyme

And combine

These letters and sound into something

Sublime

Until next time

But next time,

There might not be time

To say so much

And I don't have words

To say it all

Pray it all

Out loud, quiet and still bound

To reassure me

That this fatal attraction

Is life-threatening

And the voice that I hear

It says so much

But

It doesn't have words to bear

To say it all

To say anything at all

Instead

It shows it all

To me in thoughts and visions

And loves me

And assures me

That

This coming attraction

Is not threatening anything

But the me that could be

I am the change I wish to see

And I am the person

I am gonna be

My life is up to me

And my heart belongs right there

On my sleeve

So next time,

There might not be time

To say too much

But I'll find the words

To say as much

Explain it all

How you make me fall

In love

And your presence

How it is a gift

To have you near

In the present

How

It is a gift

To be cherished

And you can assure me that

This attraction is ticking

A time bomb

Tricky and tickling

And that's why we're giggling

Because next time,

There will be time

To say much

And words and actions

Will be all

And I'll give my all

To make sure you miss me

And love me

And reassure me that

This attraction

Is not

Threatening...anything.

©2011 ~strawberry-goodness

Mistaken: A Poem

Pinpricks

Submit to knee-jerk reactions

Contractions

like side-kicks

That sit in side-cars

You're the Batman to my Robin


so Submit

For the sake of rhythm

I stem off

Branch off

I'm Unforgiven

So punish me

Punish Me!

Or I'll repeat the crime

And never learn to look both ways


I mistook your charms and zeal

For a safe passage-way


These pinpricks

Awaken me

To these surprising surroundings

That itch and sting

Something fierce and threatening

But I can't touch them

For fear I will contaminate

The wounds

I can't scratch the swelling and the

Tears are welling

But my unclean hands,

These nail-bitten

Pale mitten

Fingertips

Are Dirty

They drip with the residue of your memory

They're stained by the kisses that you gave me

And I mistook

You mouth on mine for something else

A Sanctuary


But pinpricks

Bring me back

To the present

The here and now

And I can hear it now

Hear it

How(?) You sounded

You were so quiet

But seemed so loud

in the darkness

you were everything

Your breath on me

Your hands pull free

My legs from jeans

Peeling off clothing

So we could be

(((Closer)))

I want you

closer...

And I mistook

Your sweet proximity

for something else...

Something else...


And for that,

I apologize.

©2011 ~strawberry-goodness

Dearest D

D,

Are you ignoring me? If so, why? I know I'm being direct but I need to know. It's driving me crazy, like there's a rubik's cube lodged in my brain.

I knew all along that we wouldn't end up together. I knew that going in, and I sure as hell knew it coming out. I still know that. Don't think for even a second that you need to remind me by being so distant and aloof.

Is that why you left for Florida early? Because it doesn't have to be like this. I am capable of healthy boundaries and I would like to be friends. I don't feel like we're friends right now. I feel like you're afraid of me, that you're running away and that there are walls up. It's weird to feel so shut-out from you when we were so close just a few short weeks ago. Just talk to me. I miss you. I want to know what you're filling up your days with and how you feel and what you think about. Just talk to me.

I don't need much, just that.

Do you want me to leave you alone? I can and will. I just want to talk about it first.

I guess I'm just getting a lot of mixed messages and I just would like a little bit of clarification.

There are days and days of silence, and then you'll say something here and there that seems flippant, if that's makes sense. You seem to pick and choose which communiques you respond to when you write back. So are you just busy, or are you confused about how you feel and how to interact with me - which would be preferable, of course since that's how I feel toward you and I would be most capable of sympathizing with that scenario. Or is it something else?

I care about you, Dana. I want to know how much I can show that warmth to you. How close can I be to you?

I don't want to be confused anymore.

~M

Brown

Do you ever feel like you could best describe the way you feel at any given moment as a color? I tend to color-code my life, but I also tend to be a bit eccentric - which is why I ask if anyone else does this, instead of assuming that yes, of course you all do. Because that would just be silly. Besides, you know what they say about assumptions...

Anyway.

I feel brown today.

Brown like my hair is brown, which is to say that I am a brunette. Dark rich brown, almost black. Black-brown, I think it's called. Like my Cherokee ancestors before me. I have the Cherokee cheekbones to go with it. When I was little, my cousin Livvie would say that it was "Pocahontas" hair. Or "Cher" hair. I, of course, preferred Pocahontas to Cher. Both then and now.

I feel brown. Brown like my eyes are brown. But not like my father's are brown. His are dark, like espresso. Mine are a mix of his chocolate eyes and my mother's green ones. Green like jade.

I feel brown like the paint on the walls in this house. "Wheat," they call it. I think it looks like "light-brown," but nobody asked me.

Brown.

My great grandmother died today. Her last name was Brown. We called her Grandma Helen, my brother and I. We are going to her funeral this weekend.

It's not really how I saw myself spending my Labor Day weekend. But nobody asked me.

I heard once that people wait to die. They wait until they can see their loved ones one last time. They wait until after Christmas. A lot of people die after Christmas.

Grandma Helen didn't wait. I wonder if that means she had nothing to wait for? I wonder if she couldn't wait because she was in too much pain? I wonder if she didn't wait because she knew no one would come. I didn't come. No one did. She died alone.

I feel bad.

I feel brown.

Brown like dirty. Brown like wet, muddy earth that stains your clothes and smells like rotting leaves.

Brown.

The Waterfall's Magic - A Poem

Watching boys jump off cliffs
Hitting water with a sound like breaking glass
Egging them on like I have no fear
But I do
I'm afraid of heights
And in ways,
I'm afraid of you

Safe beyond the realm of the splash zone
Out of reach and out of touch
I'm saying things to him that I won't remember
But I do
Remember thinking them about you

Watching green light filter down
Through tree leaves and over things
Like a liquid haze
A fog descends
A love spell for when this world ends

And the world is dappled green and gold
Like my eyes are in the sunshine
And I try my best to show their colors
In the nighttime
Freckles fade and so do dreams
But magic stayed

And I feel real today
But like a mermaid
Perched and flouncing
Highlights in the forest shade
Daydreams of themes long overplayed

But I feel real today

And the world is dappled green and gold
And slightly gray
The rain comes but we all stay
Huddled up under towels like child's play
Next we'll build a fort and skip away
To play tag like it was yesterday

And I'm watching boys jump off cliffs
Auspicious
Aloof
And oh so very coy
But boy
How delicious
It is to see you smile

And I feel real today

But the green and golden world
Is turning all gray
And I'm afraid the waterfall of memories
That come as cascades
Will dissipate
I anticipate
It
Will go away

But I'm egging you on like I have no fear
But I do
I'm afraid of heights
And in ways,
I'm afraid of you

Afraid of what to do without two

So I take a jump off the waterfall
To come to

Cold water washes all the magic away
But then again,
I guess that's what makes it magic anyway
The fact that it doesn't stay

©2011 ~strawberry-goodness

Blueberry Beer - A Poem

I'm staring at the farscape of a waterfall
And there are pitfalls for pitstops along the way
It's been a topsy-turvy sort of day
And I'm growing cold in the summer shade

As my pen snicker-snacks across the page
The light filters down as the sun fades
And even while it's raining it's greenish gray
It's all green, green like I used to be

Filtered down and bottled up into a new me
Pop the top and watch me fill up
Spill over
And foam at the mouth for more

Now I'm glancing side to side as we trip along
This brushy, lush trail on both sides
Craggy rocks and undercroppings fill both eyes
A hushed whisper-rushing water drip-drops past

Shoulder-rubbing, nature-clubbing hypocrisy
I smoke cigarettes with no regrets for apathy
And it's been a sleepy waking-dreamy kind of day
And it's all
Green and
Light and
Sound and
Okay

I'm drinking coffee from a can so it's all clear
And now I'm sipping on this blue bottled berry beer
As the light filters down to me, all I can hear
Is water crashing
People laughing
I'm out of here

The water's cold, but so is the beer
And after a few more I'm hoping
It'll kill the fear
A fear of heights is all I'm fighting here
Just so we're clear

So drown my eloquence in froth and foam
Bluberry beer
Then take that leap of faith and swim away
I'm out of here

©2011 ~strawberry-goodness

The Question - A Poem

Why do I suck it up
When it's so hard
To breathe
And these medications
Insinuations
Make it hard to feed

This need

I've lost 10 pounds
Since I went back
Doctoral solutions
To permanent problems
Outliers and chandeliers
I'll be cavalier
About this cancer
That they can't cut out
Of me

And all I want to know is:
What are the right questions
To ask, anyway?
All I know is this need to feed

And I bite nails until they bleed
Smoke cigarettes I can't speed;
I've lost 10 minutes since I went back
Out back
My own walk of shame
For this nicotine game
And the nurse wants me to quit
But these environmental
Elemental
Continental
Attributions keep this cancer at bay

And all I want to know is:
What are the right questions
To ask, anyway?
All I know is this need to feed

And I lick lips until they stick
Chap
And they're too dry to smack
I'm too quick to beg a bitch-slap
Attack
Rewrite
Renege
Into a come-back
I've lost 10 seconds since I went back
And my friends want me to stop
But these emotions
Commotions
Explosions
Cause the cancer to grow inside of me

And all I want to know is:
What are the right questions
To ask, anyway?
All I know is this need to feed

And that I need another cigarette
To put my aching mind at ease

©2011 ~strawberry-goodness