Grasp

Everything is within my grasp. I sound like an evil mastermind cackling about his supervillainy, but seriously. I look back over the last few months and feel so blessed. So capable.

I have come so far from where I started. When I first came here with Poncho last year, we could not afford to feed ourselves. We could not afford the first month's rent, or gas for the car for the trip to and from work at the factory out in Weaverville. I still smoked clove cigarettes. I remember being scared and angry and tired all the time. But I also remember being happy. SO HAPPY. Even in the darkest times we had back then, Poncho was my nightlight.

We have been together here in this place we call "home" for over a year now. I am amazed, as I look around me, at how much has changed since we first got here. The living room was completely empty because we had nothing to put in it. We had no pots and pans, no eating utensils, no food in the fridge, empty cabinets... I brought with me a bed, a dresser, a ton of clothes, and shoes, my 5-year-old laptop, 19" TV, a few DVD's, and a nightstand. That was about all we had. Almost everything we have accumulated over the past 16 months was donated to us by friends and family. We would still be destitute without their assistance, love and support. And look at us now! It's amazing. I am so proud.

We have better jobs, get paid a better wage, have damned good insurance, new laptops, desks, a living room full of furniture, groceries in the kitchen, an assortment of stuff in the pantry (that we bought and assembled last summer) stuff to eat in the kitchen cabinets. When we first moved here, Poncho kept what few clothes and belongings he brought with him in paper bags or in piles on the floor. Now, he has a wardrobe for his clothes, more than one pair of shoes. We are very well organized and well dressed.

Sometimes, I look around me and feel frustrated because I'm not living quite like I want to. But it's all part of the process. It's a journey. I've come so far already, and I need to take the time to really appreciate that before I hurdle forward into my future. I appreciate where I've been and what it's taught me. It's taught me to be gracious.

I am thankful for clearing out over $3,000 worth of credit card debt in the past 8 months. I am thankful that I found the strength of will to quit smoking so that I could find the strength of heart and lung to join up with a gym. I am thankful for my partner, and for the love I see in his eyes, and thankful for the will to live that it instills in me every morning and the will to let it all go, feel safe, and get some much needed rest that it instills in me every night.