That "New Home" Smell

My dad's mountain cabin retreat reeks of it. In a good way. Kind of. On the 1st floor and in the closets it's a little too chemical-smelling for my tastes. But the air outside! It's heavenly. And it's so green! We went hiking and saw two waterfalls and almost went kayaking and I learned that Native Americans bent saplings to show directions and we saw this great old cabin by some early settler and dad didn't hit his head on the low door-frame this time. Man. Good times.

Been looking at apartments. Found some great deals across the street from work. I think we're going to try to stay here and pay off my credit card though. ::sigh:: Just $2800 left. Only 4 months if I pay $800/mo. Whoo! That would put us out of here by December. I hope we don't get snow before that.

In the meantime, it's off to the gym and overtime and abstaining from cigarettes. Going on three months!

Wish me luck!

Financially Feasible

I have decided that I don't want to be pregnant. Which is good, since I'm not. But I mean, separately - I don't want to be pregnant right now. I'm not ready. I thought I was. I'm not. Emotionally, I am still trying to be not obnoxious to my perfect partner every day. I wouldn't be able to cope with a mewling infant. Infants are not half as patient and understanding and selfless as Poncho. And it's hard enough with Poncho. I'm just not ready. And don't even get me started on the financial implications.... It's enough to make me squirm. I don't know why I mistook my deep unavailing desire to have children with my preparedness to have them. Silly me.

Negative

Back from CVS, chowing down on a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch with whole milk - yum. First pregnancy test was negative. But, my period is still 4 days away, and that decreases the accuracy of the test. So the box says, so I believe. I got a three pack, and more testing will be done. I don't know if I'm hopeful one way or the other. I'm scared. I'm nervous. But I'm not sure which outcome I want more.

Surreal

So I was woken up by the sound of my cell phone ringing this morning at 10am-on-the-nose. OB-GYN calling to make sure I'm not in pain from whatever happened on Thursday night. I said I was not, but that I was having some bloating/swelling in my midsection and that I felt odd yesterday. They advised that I take a home pregnancy test and scheduled me for an ultrasound and an office visit on Thursday, September 2nd. I'm supposed to have my period starting on Thursday this week, I hadn't even thought pregnancy was an option. And after talking about it with Poncho a few days ago, I'm actually feeling... I don' know the word to use. Sort of "careful what you wish for." But I didn't actually wish for a baby, not really. I just wished for the ability to have a baby. I'm worried now. But I'm sure it's nothing.

Off to CVS.

Ruptured

I had an ovarian cyst rupture last night. Oh boy, what fun that was. Lucky me - Poncho had some pain killers left over from his sore throat. I was able to get a full night's sleep and feel loads better today. But god, I felt like I was going to die last night. Or like I was in labor. It would come in waves, my entire core felt like it was cramped up in a bundle of pain, shot through with a stabbing sensation like my insides were some sort of pin cushion.

I thought I had food poisoning. But I never had a fever, or broke out in a clammy sweat or threw up or anything like I did when I had food poisoning a few years ago.

I've been thinking a lot about pregnancy. I have my second colposcopy coming up on a few short weeks. I'll have to have a LEEP procedure done to remove the affected areas. Removing bits and pieces of my cervix will increase the likelihood of a late-term miscarriage if I do ever get pregnant after the procedure. I won't be able to carry a child to term. I've been thinking about maybe trying for a baby before they cut me to pieces inside. I wonder if they could delay the operation for a year... It's a big responsibility, and we're not exactly where I'd like for us to be when we have our first child. But I would like to have a baby at an inconvenient time than to never have one at all. I'll have to talk with my family about it. And my OB-GYN. It might not even be a possibility, or a necessity, depending on the procedure and the severity of the condition and all that. We shall see.

Poncho, my lovely darling sweetiekins - I just want to say thank you. You're amazing. I am so grateful for you. I made a wish and you came true.

Gummi Bears

I can see your captivation
And it sickens me
Entices ticking
Minutes
Whiled away
Your every move an addiction

Those yearning eyes are pulling
Close and warm and breathing
So go on ahead
Show me the way home
It's late
I don't know my Mondays anymore

I wish I could forget
That sharp allure
Sparks in your fingertips
Like lemon-squeezed papercuts
Minty fresh
You make my ears burn

Those dreams are saccharine headaches
98 degrees and swimming in twisted sheets
It's time to wake up
Make-up
Aisle 3 clean-up
Spilled juice and spilled beans
My Freudian slip looks good under that dress
Silky, sultry
Outdated
The burlesque of friendship pornography

I can see it
Peripheral ephemeral attraction
Ashamed
Hidden
Spurting like volcanic acne
Orange Crush and salt water
Gatorade-flavored flirtations

I like it
Watch my hips sway
Dancing for you makes me hot
This whole room knows I can shake it
Even when they never look
Embarrassed of the potency
Or the blatant sexuality
Overrated eye contact is superfluous
I can feel it like a breeze

I can see the emotional output
Like atmospheric pressure on my brain
Barometer off the chart
Your intentions like a billboard
Hit single serial monogamy
I know my body now
I can't remember what it was like before

The proof is in the pudding
Smeared
Chocolate goo
Warmly sticky
Sweet and sweaty
Emotional slip-n-slide
For social lubrication

This slippery slope
Reeks silently of the undone deeds
My shoulders yearn for
So go on ahead
Massage my ego

Your gummi bear lust
Melting like childhood memories

I like the red ones best

Non-Smoker

I think that after a month and a half of not-smoking, I feel comfortable with that title. Interesting changes have taken place during the last 6 weeks of not smoking. I find myself getting offended when people light up while walking around - downtown, on college campuses, around babies, kids or teens; it's a little bit ridiculous how much my mindset and my perspective have changed as I quit smoking, and therefore quit the justifications of 'why this is okay.'

I still haven't joined a gym. But it's a goal.

I didn't smoke enough for it to change the way things tasted. I never smoked inside my apartment, so the place doesn't smell better. I do enjoy my clothes not smelling like smoke. That's nice. I find the smell on other people to be offensive now and not alluring, as I had previously anticipated. It just seems trashy now, whereas before I would hardly notice it - on myself or anyone else.

I still get random cravings. Mostly from triggers of things that are closely linked with smoking in my brain. Drinking, intense social interactions, emotional scenarios, awkwardness, sexual arousal via external stimulae ie. movies, social interaction, etc... That's another weird effect of not smoking. I've been more sexually charged than before. I feel more tingly and responsive to random stimulus. Like sex scenes in movies, or attractive people walking down the street, or even my partners advances. Odd but true.

I think the best thing to happen to me while not smoking was to understand that I could do it. Even if I mess up and fall off the wagon, I can get back on. To understand that as a possibility and that I am capable of that is amazing.

I am very proud of myself.