Saturday, July 24, 2010

Gummi Bears

I can see your captivation
And it sickens me
Entices ticking
Whiled away
Your every move an addiction

Those yearning eyes are pulling
Close and warm and breathing
So go on ahead
Show me the way home
It's late
I don't know my Mondays anymore

I wish I could forget
That sharp allure
Sparks in your fingertips
Like lemon-squeezed papercuts
Minty fresh
You make my ears burn

Those dreams are saccharine headaches
98 degrees and swimming in twisted sheets
It's time to wake up
Aisle 3 clean-up
Spilled juice and spilled beans
My Freudian slip looks good under that dress
Silky, sultry
The burlesque of friendship pornography

I can see it
Peripheral ephemeral attraction
Spurting like volcanic acne
Orange Crush and salt water
Gatorade-flavored flirtations

I like it
Watch my hips sway
Dancing for you makes me hot
This whole room knows I can shake it
Even when they never look
Embarrassed of the potency
Or the blatant sexuality
Overrated eye contact is superfluous
I can feel it like a breeze

I can see the emotional output
Like atmospheric pressure on my brain
Barometer off the chart
Your intentions like a billboard
Hit single serial monogamy
I know my body now
I can't remember what it was like before

The proof is in the pudding
Chocolate goo
Warmly sticky
Sweet and sweaty
Emotional slip-n-slide
For social lubrication

This slippery slope
Reeks silently of the undone deeds
My shoulders yearn for
So go on ahead
Massage my ego

Your gummi bear lust
Melting like childhood memories

I like the red ones best


I think that after a month and a half of not-smoking, I feel comfortable with that title. Interesting changes have taken place during the last 6 weeks of not smoking. I find myself getting offended when people light up while walking around - downtown, on college campuses, around babies, kids or teens; it's a little bit ridiculous how much my mindset and my perspective have changed as I quit smoking, and therefore quit the justifications of 'why this is okay.'

I still haven't joined a gym. But it's a goal.

I didn't smoke enough for it to change the way things tasted. I never smoked inside my apartment, so the place doesn't smell better. I do enjoy my clothes not smelling like smoke. That's nice. I find the smell on other people to be offensive now and not alluring, as I had previously anticipated. It just seems trashy now, whereas before I would hardly notice it - on myself or anyone else.

I still get random cravings. Mostly from triggers of things that are closely linked with smoking in my brain. Drinking, intense social interactions, emotional scenarios, awkwardness, sexual arousal via external stimulae ie. movies, social interaction, etc... That's another weird effect of not smoking. I've been more sexually charged than before. I feel more tingly and responsive to random stimulus. Like sex scenes in movies, or attractive people walking down the street, or even my partners advances. Odd but true.

I think the best thing to happen to me while not smoking was to understand that I could do it. Even if I mess up and fall off the wagon, I can get back on. To understand that as a possibility and that I am capable of that is amazing.

I am very proud of myself.