No`sh

Well now. Home at last to our little apartment after spending the past 5 days stuck in Madison County. If I ever see snow again, it will be too soon. We got a foot - A FOOT - of snow in Madison, and my car was conveniently buried under all 12 inches. To make matters worse - or funnier - my car was at the tippy top of the mile-long driveway, off a back road.

So what happened was this:

I had work last Sunday, and was scheduled for work last Monday but called in sick due to one of my joyful migraines. I had been planning on leaving here after work on Monday and heading up to Boone to spend some time with my mama, but due to the hangover I had from my migraine, I didn't. I left some time Tuesday after getting some much needed darkness and sensory deprivation. Spent Tuesday and Wednesday with mom and had loads of fun. Had a grand old time. Quality bonding with Ian (the son of my mom's boyfriend - John) whom I had not seen since... at least 2 years ago. We went to high school together, and I think we might have even been in the same grade. I know I had Earth Science with him, with Mr. Dixon. Loved that man. I wonder if he's still teaching? He was funny... had a sort of Canadian-sounding New York accent.

Anyway.

I intended to leave Boone around 9am on Thursday morning, but I ended up leaving around 11am because I got all wrapped up in this fascinating conversation with Ian and mom over coffee. But as soon as I got back to Asheville, Poncho and I departed for Madison County to spend the rest of the day with his mother (Kathey), stepfather (John) and younger sister (Charlotte). We decided to stay the night with them and leave for work early Friday morning so Poncho would a) have more time with his family, and b) get back home in time for work Friday evening. Well, turns out Poncho was able to figure out a way to use some PTO for Friday and we stayed with the family one more evening.

This is where things start to unravel.

I was scheduled to work Saturday evening, and by the time the festivities were over Friday night it was dark and I decided we would leave for Asheville the following morning. I awoke at 11am to find 4 inches of snow on the ground. I called in to work. It kept snowing. All day. All night. More snow. Called in again. Freaking out. No way to get out. Trapped. So much snow.

Man. That was fun.

So all the while that we're stuck in Madison, my dad's kind of upset with me. I'm not entirely sure why, since I don't control the weather. But he wanted Poncho to get out in this mess with no snow-appropriate wardrobe to his name and shovel the damn driveway. I'm sorry, but no. That driveway is curvy, unpaved and a mile long. Even if he did manage to shovel the whole thing clear in a clearly counterproductive downpour of snow, my car is not equipped to drive in those conditions and we would not have made it out anyway. And why is that? Because he didn't see fit to buy me a car with 4-wheel-drive because - and I quote - "I shouldn't be driving in those sort of conditions anyway".

So we were stuck and I was stressed out about it.

And what's funny about it is this: my dad hadn't even been able to make it up to the cabin as scheduled either. The roads in that part of Georgia were highly treacherous and they were still at the townhouse until things cleared up. They're still there now. I'm calling tomorrow before heading down there because the roads might not be okay for driving yet. But it's my fault we're snowed in and Poncho needs to resort of manual labor and yada yada. Gimme a break.

****As an aside, it took me nearly 3 days to work up to this level of dismissive sardonic anger. Before that, I was fighting back tears.****

Oh! And Meredi and Frank are in town. Surprise! They get into town tomorrow afternoon. We're supposed to be leaving for Dad's cabin at 10am since he wants us there by 2pm. I guess I could do what Poncho jokingly suggested and blow off dad, but I still kind of feel bad about running 3 days late and I don't think I have it in me. So unless it turns out that the roads in Big Canoe are still treacherous, I won't get to see my friends.

Here's hoping everything works out for the best.

Tastebuds

So about 2 months ago, I noticed that I wasn't really drinking my coffee. I'd pour a cup, sip on it, and then it would go cold with neglect and I'd dump it out.

I recently started realizing that I didn't drink it because I didn't like the way it tasted anymore.

I was familiar with this scenario from my trips to visit dad, because he always makes really strong coffee and I didn't enjoy drinking it. What sucks is that it was undrinkable no matter how you doctor'd it up. Too much sugar made it taste like syrup, and too much creamer made it taste like cream. I want it to taste like coffee, but I want it subtle and mellow and smooth - not kick-me-in-the-face flavor.

So anyway, I've been experimenting with weaker coffee. Adding less scoops to the pot. It's amazing how weak I like it nowadays. I used to add one scoop for every cup of water. Now it's less than half that. All I can come up with as far as a reason why this change has occurred is that I quit smoking 6 months ago and my mouth has healthy, sensitive taste buds with different, refined preferences. Which is kind of cool. I like to think that I am recovering from the crap I sucked up into my system daily for 5 years.

24

So I'm now officially twenty-four years old. And have been for about a week now. I got a Kindle for my birthday. I downloaded over a hundred free classics and all I've wanted to read is Twilight. Which I had to pay for. Which becomes even funnier, considering I have the physical books. But they're really heavy and not very good for prolonged reading. So I love my Kindle. I use it all the time while I'm on duty, and it makes reading between calls soooo much easier. Funny story - when my dad gave me my Kindle on my birthday, the box was empty. Apparently someone stole that one. But it's all good, 'cause he raised hell with Best Buy and they gave us a new one. Phew.

We had Midnight Cake from Alon's Bakery. Yum. In fact, we still have some left over that we're trying to get through. We ran out of milk half-way through the week and I haven't eaten any since we got more milk since I had a killer migraine yesterday and the thought of eating cake made me gag.

But yeah, killer migraine from hell yesterday. Started around 7pm and even after taking two of my migraine Rx pills, it didn't go away. By 2am, I was obviously desperate, and took one of Poncho's pain pills. That barely numbed it, but at that point I was grateful for any sort of break. Still having a few throbs today, and still kind of sensitive to light. But at least I can read today. And watch TV and look at the computer screen. Last night that was completely out of the question. Which was really hard to cope with. Especially not being able to read. Poncho read to me for a little while, but even just the sound of his voice made my head hurt more... It was awful.

So we'll see what's going on with that when the doctor calls us back.

Anywho. I'm making Poncho some dinner, since I have the day off and he's working today. I can hear his voice through the wall. It makes him feel less far away. How I do love that boy. Ever so much.

The Cure (for the Scritch)

It's Black Friday - I'm in love. And I haven't done a lick of shopping today. We just don't have the available funds for it this year. But next year, just you wait! I'm already looking forward to it. I'll be credit card debt-free and livin' large!

I wonder where we'll be living this time next year... I hope it's somewhere swanky. Coming home to our apartment from spending even just a few days at Dad and Chrisi's was rough. The water pressure, the A/C and heating system... Man! Someday.

So, we survived - and rather enjoyed - Thanksgiving. My brother Patrick came up last Friday, and we all went out to eat at Doc Chey's with Livvie while she was in town. Pat spent the night on our couch and then went up to Boone when Poncho and I started working on Saturday. Spent Sunday with Mom and John in Boone. Monday, Patrick and I caravan'd down to Bear Paw, with Poncho in tow.

And we had a really nice time! Played a cut-throat game of Monopoly. Went for a "hike," to view a waterfall - in the rain. Lots of migraines for some reason. Stayed in bed more than I would have liked. But I have an appointment with my physician for Monday - doing some tests and lab-work. Mostly routine stuff, though. But gah, I hate bloodwork. Needles. Yeesh.

Tomorrow we go to my Aunt Suzy's for the Hudson Clan Thanksgiving Celebration. It's gonna be fun. And then next week, my mom's coming down to spend Thursday with me for my 24th birthday. I have no idea what we're going to do, but I'm pretty excited about it. And then Friday afternoon, Poncho and I are heading back down to Bear Paw to spend some time with Dad and Chrisi for my birthday over the weekend.

I hope I get a Kindle.

In other news, I've started using Reclaim - one of the skin care lines I service. I've been using it since Sunday and I've already seen a difference in my skin. I also hope I get a camera soon, so I can take pictures and post visual aids.

I hope everyone had a lovely Thanksgiving and a stress-free Black Friday. Aloha.

Grasp

Everything is within my grasp. I sound like an evil mastermind cackling about his supervillainy, but seriously. I look back over the last few months and feel so blessed. So capable.

I have come so far from where I started. When I first came here with Poncho last year, we could not afford to feed ourselves. We could not afford the first month's rent, or gas for the car for the trip to and from work at the factory out in Weaverville. I still smoked clove cigarettes. I remember being scared and angry and tired all the time. But I also remember being happy. SO HAPPY. Even in the darkest times we had back then, Poncho was my nightlight.

We have been together here in this place we call "home" for over a year now. I am amazed, as I look around me, at how much has changed since we first got here. The living room was completely empty because we had nothing to put in it. We had no pots and pans, no eating utensils, no food in the fridge, empty cabinets... I brought with me a bed, a dresser, a ton of clothes, and shoes, my 5-year-old laptop, 19" TV, a few DVD's, and a nightstand. That was about all we had. Almost everything we have accumulated over the past 16 months was donated to us by friends and family. We would still be destitute without their assistance, love and support. And look at us now! It's amazing. I am so proud.

We have better jobs, get paid a better wage, have damned good insurance, new laptops, desks, a living room full of furniture, groceries in the kitchen, an assortment of stuff in the pantry (that we bought and assembled last summer) stuff to eat in the kitchen cabinets. When we first moved here, Poncho kept what few clothes and belongings he brought with him in paper bags or in piles on the floor. Now, he has a wardrobe for his clothes, more than one pair of shoes. We are very well organized and well dressed.

Sometimes, I look around me and feel frustrated because I'm not living quite like I want to. But it's all part of the process. It's a journey. I've come so far already, and I need to take the time to really appreciate that before I hurdle forward into my future. I appreciate where I've been and what it's taught me. It's taught me to be gracious.

I am thankful for clearing out over $3,000 worth of credit card debt in the past 8 months. I am thankful that I found the strength of will to quit smoking so that I could find the strength of heart and lung to join up with a gym. I am thankful for my partner, and for the love I see in his eyes, and thankful for the will to live that it instills in me every morning and the will to let it all go, feel safe, and get some much needed rest that it instills in me every night.

Scritch - A Poem

I just want to feel beautiful
But there's a NEED
Chewing through the edges of my sanity
The cannabalist endeavors of my OCD
Can't stop the seething (hangnails) of hypocrisy
The suicidal tendencies of my Vanity
To smooth and soften
Smooth and soften
Hopelessly

I feel the need to be clean
So I'm picking at the edges of my decency
I can't help but tear the little patches of inadequacy
While my fingers skim perfectionary
And feel the places where I am most me
Ugly, surreptitiously
Feeling fidgets
Feel 'n' fidget
Horribly

It bothers me
And tortures me
This comforting and crazy thing
Perfection-free, perfection fee
It torments me impulsively
Sets me free
By hurting me

Bite and
Chew and
Pick and Claw
Scratching, writhing
Twitching
Ticking

Choosing to fulfill them
Just wanting to be smooth and clean
Means Polluting and Destroying the skin I'm in
To feel free from them
The cycle begins again

The Hypocrisy within my cause makes me want to
SCREAM
But I'd rather feel the smooth release
than live my life in scabbed disease

Elvis

I made smoothies today for breakfast. Chocolate-peanut butter-banana milkshakes. Yum.

I'm considering going to the Y today. But gosh, I just have no energy. I'm hoping the smoothie will jump-start my system. But right now, I just want to re-read Twilight and lay in bed and day-dream about what Thanksgiving and Christmas will be like this year. I'm so excited about the holidays. Way more so than I've been in a long time. It'll be so nice to spend quality time with everyone. And Poncho gets to come along! How joyous is that?

Still trying to figure out what to get everyone for presents. My list is so long this year. Maybe I'll give out hugs.

Cabin Fever

Spent the weekend with Dad and Chrisi at Bear Paw. Gah, it's SO beautiful there. And I had a really nice time. We took a 4 mile walk through the woods, along some of the paved walking trails. It was so nice. Perfect weather - cool, crisp autumn air refreshing you with each brisk step, and lovely fall colors swirling around amongst the evergreens beneath a bright blue sky with little wisps of white cottony clouds. Perfect.

Dad and I are doing really well. Better than we ever have before. He complimented my outfit when I first arrived, and told me numerous times throughout the weekend how proud he is of me, and how mature I am and how far I've come. I think so, too, but it's nice to have him in agreement.

I'm hoping to have Sunday off, since I already have Thursday, Friday and Saturday off this week, so I can head down to spend this weekend there as well. He offered to let me bring my laundry down with me and use their facilities. Dad even seems to be better about Poncho nowadays, too. He offered to let him come with me for the holidays. I'm so excited about the holidays! It'll be so nice to see everyone and be on such good terms with everybody and not feel so ashamed of where I am as a person. Man, this is great.

I'm so happy! Everything is going so well!

In other news, my shoes from shoedazzle.com came today and I am wearing my boots and they are so cute and I am so happy about them. They fit really well and I'm rather pleased with the whole program. I decided to skip this month, since nothing in the selection for November really jumped out at me and I don't see a reason to spend money on shoes that don't absolutely grab me.

Our next Gevalia coffee shipment is heading out our way next week, with some yummy teas and more chocolate raspberry coffee. I missed that coffee. We ran out last month and decided to just wait for the next shipment instead of getting more right away.

Well, I am scheduled to work today from 8pm-12:30am. As soon as I finish my cup of coffee (pumpkin spice, mmm) we're headed to the Ingles down the road for some grocery shopping. It's silly how excited I am about wearing my new shoes, even if it's just down the road to the store.

And hopefully, we'll make it to the YMCA a few times this week.

I love my life right now.

Yimkha

So we went to The Rush on Monday night after work. If they didn't have scary contracts, I would totally get a membership there. Being open 24-hours is nice, when you get off of work at 2am and want to work out your frustrations before bed. Anyway, I played with a lot of their work-out machines and we ran on the elliptical and did a circuit on the bikes, quick shower, pool-time fun with laps and more, as well as brief encounters with both steam room and sauna before relaxing in the hot tub. I am so sore from the ab-machine. I didn't even think it did anything, but man, it hurts.

We're going to go to the YMCA tomorrow before I leave for the weekend. I'm heading to Georgia to see my folks. Well, half of my folks. Well, no, I guess it's now a quarter of my folks, since I technically have in-laws now. So much family. Anyway, I'm spending Friday night, and all day Saturday with Dad and Chrisi at Bear Paw Cabin, then coming back Sunday for my shift here at 3pm.

I'm pretty sure I've got everything sorted out for Thanksgiving and Christmas, so that's a relief. It's nice to just be able to relax after the decision has been made. Follow-through is easy, it's just making the decision itself that is so hard to deal with and stress-inducing. Anyway, I'm really excited to take a huge chunk of time off and spend that time with family. It'll be so nice. Now I just have to worry about present-shopping. Here's to my sanity.

Village People

We FINALLY got a gym membership. Took us long enough, right? I've been saying I would sign up for months now. And as of today, we are members at the new Reuter Family YMCA in that fancy-schmancy Biltmore Park area. We used the indoor track and the cycle machines today. We got home today in time for Poncho's shift at 3:30pm and I made us some nice salads with avocado, green olives, carrots, bacon bits, and ranch dressing. Arizona green tea to wash it all down. And boy, lemme tell ya - I feel fantastic!

We're going to go back again tomorrow, and swim in the indoor heated pool and lounge in the hottub and and maybe walk the track again. I have my at-home shift tomorrow at 3:30pm, but if we leave the Y at 2:30pm, we should have plenty of time to get back here and have lunch. I've had just one cup of coffee today, and I feel great. Not tired or depressed, just excited and healthy and fresh. I'm so excited about going back tomorrow. We have an appointment set up in November with a trainer to teach us how to use the equipment in the work out room and to help us track our progress. But man, I just feel so good.

Joined up with shoedazzle.com today. $39.95/mo for a new pair of shoes, free shipping. And damn, they are supercute. Got my first pair today half off and I am super pumped about them.

I'm visiting my dad this coming weekend. Going over bills and receipts and everything with him and then spending some good quality time together. I'm really looking forward to it. Still trying to figure out what we're doing for the holidays. Poncho and I both have step-families and everyone is so spread out over such huge physical distances, it's hard to visit everyone in such a short period of time. But I'm determined. Last year we didn't spend the holidays together and just went to hang with our respective families and I missed him terribly much and it lessened the joy of the holidays for me. So this year, we're trying to do it all together and do the switch thing where we spend one with this family and the next with the other family, or something. Wish me luck! It's hell trying to schedule that. But overall, I am so damned happy today.

It's Fun to Be at the Y-M-C-A!

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

I awoke this fine morning to the sounds of rustling paper. We sleep with a fan going for white noise and I assumed - before I actually opened my eyes - that the fan had simply blown over some of the papers I had stacked in my lil' office corner. Upon opening my eyes, I saw a bird perched on the Burger King paper crown hanging from the wall mirror on the wall opposite me. We blinked at each other a few times before it flew across the room to wedge itself in the wardrobe among Poncho's hanging clothes. I sat up at this point and said something exclamatory that both woke Poncho from his deep slumber and charged him with the task of removing the bird. Sleepy and confused, he grumbled something and I quickly took over bird-duty.

"Fetch me oven mitts," I said, with conviction and urgency.
"...huh?" He replied.

I got to my feet as the bird flew back across the room from the wardrobe and proceeded to fly rather enthusiastically into the wall mirror, ricochet back a few inches from the impact, and fling it's small body once again against it's own reflection. Dazed, the bird then flew erratically all over the room for a few moments with me in hot pursuit. It went under the bed, and back to the wardrobe, and over to the back of the closet door, where it perched on one of my hats and I caught it! with one of Poncho's hats. But when I tried to close the door to get better access to the bird under Poncho's hat, it escaped! and flew back across the room to collide once again with the wall mirror. It then proceeded to fall down in between the desk and the wall and when I caught up with it and peaked under the desk to try and find where it had landed, it was all splayed out among the wires, looking quite confused and pitiful. I grabbed at it, but it dislodged itself and flew past me to begin the chase around the room once again.

Finally, I did catch it. It had fallen down beside the desk, where there is space enough for a floor lamp's base to sit comfortably between the desk and the wall. It was facing the wall and I came at it from above. It gave a pitiful squeak when I caught it, but did nothing to fight back once I palmed it. I stroked it with my free hand to try and calm it, and for what it's worth it's little heart did slow after several strokes. I also took the time to smooth it's ruffled feathers and pet under it's beak, and took it outside to release it back into the wild. Once outside, however, it refused to leave my hand. I had opened it up next to a bush, hoping it would at once make it's escape. It just sat there. It's feet were curled up under it's body and it wouldn't even stand on it's own. This horrified me, but I felt sure it was just in shock and not physically injured as it kept blinking at me and at it's surroundings in turn. I petted it a few more times while leaving the hand that held it open, and kept gesturing the holding hand towards the bush until finally it hopped up to it's little feet in my palm, and then flew off into the undergrowth beneath the bush. Since it was utterly FREEZING outside this morning, and I was without my slippers, I hurried back inside to the compared warmth of my apartment.

This left us with the question of how the HELL the little bird got into the bedroom in the first place. The windows are all closed.

???

But that, dear friends, is my story for the day.

All Made Up

I wish my camera hadn't broken and died because I'd really like to take a picture of my make-up today. It's much better than the make-up I did yesterday. Mostly because I had yesterday to practice and before yesterday I hadn't worn make-up in over a month.

I just got a backrub from Poncho and am now too relaxed to think, let alone type. So, bye for now. I'm off to get pampered.

A Smattering of Days Later

So it's been a week and 2 days since the LEEP. I have a follow-up appointment with Dr. Scott on the 27th. I'm pretty sure it's healing just fine. I checked in with the nurse a week ago today and she was agonizingly patronizing (ha) about all my symptoms being normal. Although I must say in my defense, the coffee-grounds didn't start until yesterday, and before that it was two separate lumps of something that looked like a lump of honeycombjellyfish. Excuse me, Nurse, for being startled.

My dear cousin Olivia's puppy-child died a week ago today. I'm heartbroken for her loss. Poor Gabby. Poor Livvie. There's a new puppy in her life now, named River. A big sweetie with brown eyes and soft, short golden fur. I can't wait to meet her.

I'm really depressed today.

I have a headache like a marble pressing against the inside of my left eye. (If it's my left, does that mean it's my right eye when I tell people about it?)

I had strange dreams last night. Tossed and turned alot. It was too hot. I never sleep well when it's hot. I even opened one of the windows in the bedroom to get some of the cool night air to circulate, but that just made it slightly more bearable and not the cool ideal I was aiming for.

Ugh. I work today and also tomorrow. I get my flu shot on Friday. I think I might be visiting my dad this weekend. But my grandmother and my great-grandmother are going to be there. I dunno.

Time for Sims2 before work.

Look Before You LEEP

The procedure went really well on Friday. The only really bad part(s) - the shot of numbing solution, because I hate needles; feeling a jarring jolt of electricity when the machine shocked me; feeling all shaky when they gave me a second shot of epinephrine to stop the bleeding. I started crying when they almost done because of nerves, but it really wasn't that bad. The Xanax helped.

Having mom here this weekend was nice. We spent most of our time together playing video games on our laptops - she had Farmville and I had The Sims 2. But we also watched some highlights from Buffy - I had her watch Hush, Once More With Feeling, and The Body - and we also watched Repo! The Genetic Opera, after she commented on Giles' singing voice. She made me some wonderful blueberry cobbler, and I was very happy to get the chance to spend some time with her.

Poncho and I signed up for Gevalia coffee when our coffee-maker died last week. We have been rabidly enjoying the abundance of chocolate raspberry coffee that came in our first shipment. Yummm.

I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism recently and have started taking meds to help with that. Apparently the depression, the lack of energy, the dry skin, the weird changes in appetite... all the symptoms I had been attributing to quitting cigarettes are due - at least in part - to this condition and should start to dissipate now that I'm medicated.

Here's to a brighter, healthier tomorrow.

My Yahooligan

So you told me to sign on to Yahoo! messenger to see the notes you left me all day and it was so sweet I decided to share the love. Thanks, baby.
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5:56 PM

10/8

My butt hurts. Your chair really sucks.

6:06 PM

10/8

I love you

7:24 PM

10/8

You're cute.

7:24 PM

10/8

I love you.

7:24 PM

10/8

Like a bunch.

8:21 PM

10/8

Hey, hey...

8:21 PM

10/8

I love you.

8:28 PM

10/8

Could you possibly grab me a Dew?

8:32 PM

10/8

Are you getting my IM's?

8:39 PM

10/8

Miss.

8:39 PM

10/8

Love.

8:39 PM

10/8

Precious.

9:15 PM

10/8

Auto In. No Calls. 30 Seconds.

9:15 PM

10/8

I must have broken a record.

9:21 PM

10/8

LOVE.

9:21 PM

10/8

Miss.

9:21 PM

10/8

So much.

9:21 PM

10/8

Little sweet.

9:22 PM

10/8

You look so happy today.

9:22 PM

10/8

Like a great weight has lifted from your sweet little shoulders.

9:22 PM

10/8

I love to see you when you're happy, little angel.

9:22 PM

10/8

I am so proud of you.

9:22 PM

10/8

You are so strong.

9:22 PM

10/8

You're inspiring.

9:23 PM

10/8

I love you with every inch of me, body, mind, heart, and soul.

9:23 PM

10/8

I admire and cherish you.

9:23 PM

10/8

I don't know what I would do, where I would be, without you.

9:58 PM

10/8

(Space)

9:59 PM

10/8

That was GRUESOME.

9:59 PM

10/8

I just had two back-to-back calls over 15 minutes.

10:14 PM

10/8

This is driving me nuts. There was another. My talk time is AWFUL. PLEASE, I beg them, STOP TALKING! THAT'S ENOUGH! Don't ask me to check 9 different e-mails under 3 different spellings of two last names for two people to put holds on your account.

10:15 PM

10/8

...yeeesh...

10:17 PM

10/8

I miss you.

10:17 PM

10/8

I want to be in there, laughing with you.

10:17 PM

10/8

I love you, dearest darling

10:17 PM

10/8

I love you.

Fall In

Autumn is upon us. It's getting colder. I have to wear my hoodie in the house now, and I closed all the windows. I guess I should probably move the window A/C unit to its storage position for the next several months, but well - as silly and cliche as it sounds, I don't want to break another nail.

(I ripped my right hand, middle fingernail the other morning trying to close a window, and it's one of those deep down rips that you can't really cut off like you would a normal hangnail. I got nail glue and gave myself a manicure earlier tonight to tempt myself away from messing with it. It was driving me crazy, all rough and poking out like that. Now it's smooth and hidden away under two coats of Choco-latte Complete Salon Manicure by Sally Henson. It's pretty spiffy if I do say so myself. And I do, say so myself. I'm usually not very good at manicures. I tend to get the polish all over everything - my cuticles, my clothes, any nearby furniture...)

And besides that, I can barely lift the damn thing. It's really heavy.

So apart from being colder lately, I guess I don't have a whole lot to report. I'm not really looking forward to Halloween this year, since I always always always smoke when I'm at parties and now that I'm going on 5 months, I really don't want to get drunk and bum smokes off of my friends. I don't have a cool costume, just doing the nurse thing and Poncho has his doctor costume to match. But yeah.

I've been jonesing for a cigarette sooooo badly today. It started when I bought a Magic Hat Brewing Co. multipack with a bunch of cool seasonal beers. Drinking makes me crave smoking so much. I guess it's 'cause I don't drink much... I haven't had a chance to develop new associations like I did with driving and talking on the phone and coffee.

Poncho is calling from work.

I love that boy so damn much.

Where was I? Bitching about breaking nails and cold weather, it looks like. Moving on.

We're trying to get the at-home agent thing set up. Charter is go. We have the phones the company gave us, and the headsets and everything. The only delay is due to the fact that the internet is not acknowledging the phones. Poo. IT is going to have to come out to our house and fix it. Maybe we can set that up Monday.

My LEEP procedure is this week. I have meds for anxiety and meds for pain and I'm nervous but I really just want to get it over with. My mom is coming for the weekend and I'm really looking forward to that, even though there's a good likelihood that I'll be pretty much unconscious while she's here.

I have the day off tomorrow, and so does Poncho. I can't remember that last day we had off together. I'm so excited. I want to do something special, but I can't think of anything that we can really afford. We have beer and movies here, so we'll probably just stay in. I feel bad, being a shut-in... I just can't afford to go out and do things. Especially with all the dough we had to spend to get this work-at-home thing set up. And I've missed a lot of work due to sickness. Next month should be better. I'm hoping we can go out to eat again soon. It's so much fun to go on dates.

No matter what else may be wrong in my life, Poncho is going right. It makes all the difference to go through this with my partner. I still feel crappy sometimes, but he brings me out of my head for a while. Which is nice. It's noisy up there.

Re-Ruptured

Second ruptured ovarian cyst in two months. Good news: knew what it was this time around, didn't think I was dying. Bad news: we were in Madison County visiting Poncho's fam at the time and I hadn't brought any of my uber-painkillers. Lemme tell ya, Advil doesn't cut it. I was hunched over unable to walk up right for most of the night. It threw me way out of whack mentally and emotionally, too.

Freaked me out to feel that weak and incapacitated. I mean, I'm still weak and recovering from all my other ailments and sicknesses. I have an ultrasound scheduled for Wednesday morning to see how many more of them there are. Thursday I have some breathing tests to determine whether or not I need to take some sort of preventative treatment for my asthma/allergy issues. I have some sort of follow-up appointment with my nurse practitioner about my blood-work next week on Wednesday. And to top it all off, I have my LEEP procedure scheduled for October 8th.

I hate my body. Damn thing breaks down and gives up on me after a measly 24 years of crappy service. There is nothing more frustrating than feeling useless and powerless and weak when you're used to being the opposite of that. I haven't been up for anything lately. Not housework, or cooking real meals, or make-up or anything. I feel so tired and used up. I hate this. Even this journal entry is exhausting to pump out. You know things are bad when you don't have the energy to play video games... I can't even bring myself to play WoW most days.

I just feel so broken.

New Layout

Thought I'd spruce up the old blog with a bit of new personality. It fits my idea of 'me' better now, I think. Green, alive, healthy, grown-up - not in the 'I'm-so-old' sense, but in the mature sense. Flourishing. Like the trees in the background. Sure, autumn comes around and knocks me on my ass for a few months every year, but I'm right back to blossoming and nurturing and self-growth in the spring.

I'm feeling much better, by the way. Went to the doctor on Wednesday, got medicine and spent a few days in bed. Poncho was a care-taker babykins and I couldn't have gotten along without him. Love you, dearest.

My friend Hannah's wedding is this weekend. I wish I could be there with all my heart. I wish her and her husband-to-be all the best in the world. I look to you as a shining example of love in these often-dark times. Go team.

Well, dear-heart just got back from work and it's high time I got ready for bed. I think I've spent enough time gallivanting around on the interwebs for tonight.

Ta.

In Sickness and In Health

Home sick today. Pretty sure I have what Patrick and Emily had this weekend when we were all at dad's cabin.

Sneezing, coughing, sore throat, mild fever, shivers, dizziness, ear-ache, sinus pressure, runny nose.... Oooh boy! What fun.

I made it through work last night, mostly on will-power. It also helped that I thought it was "just allergies" for the majority of the day. Until my throat started to hurt and I wanted to drill holes in my head just to relieve the pressure.

So, no work today. Loaded up on Nyquil and decongestants. My nose is raw from using too many tissues... This sucks.

That "New Home" Smell

My dad's mountain cabin retreat reeks of it. In a good way. Kind of. On the 1st floor and in the closets it's a little too chemical-smelling for my tastes. But the air outside! It's heavenly. And it's so green! We went hiking and saw two waterfalls and almost went kayaking and I learned that Native Americans bent saplings to show directions and we saw this great old cabin by some early settler and dad didn't hit his head on the low door-frame this time. Man. Good times.

Been looking at apartments. Found some great deals across the street from work. I think we're going to try to stay here and pay off my credit card though. ::sigh:: Just $2800 left. Only 4 months if I pay $800/mo. Whoo! That would put us out of here by December. I hope we don't get snow before that.

In the meantime, it's off to the gym and overtime and abstaining from cigarettes. Going on three months!

Wish me luck!

Financially Feasible

I have decided that I don't want to be pregnant. Which is good, since I'm not. But I mean, separately - I don't want to be pregnant right now. I'm not ready. I thought I was. I'm not. Emotionally, I am still trying to be not obnoxious to my perfect partner every day. I wouldn't be able to cope with a mewling infant. Infants are not half as patient and understanding and selfless as Poncho. And it's hard enough with Poncho. I'm just not ready. And don't even get me started on the financial implications.... It's enough to make me squirm. I don't know why I mistook my deep unavailing desire to have children with my preparedness to have them. Silly me.

Negative

Back from CVS, chowing down on a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch with whole milk - yum. First pregnancy test was negative. But, my period is still 4 days away, and that decreases the accuracy of the test. So the box says, so I believe. I got a three pack, and more testing will be done. I don't know if I'm hopeful one way or the other. I'm scared. I'm nervous. But I'm not sure which outcome I want more.

Surreal

So I was woken up by the sound of my cell phone ringing this morning at 10am-on-the-nose. OB-GYN calling to make sure I'm not in pain from whatever happened on Thursday night. I said I was not, but that I was having some bloating/swelling in my midsection and that I felt odd yesterday. They advised that I take a home pregnancy test and scheduled me for an ultrasound and an office visit on Thursday, September 2nd. I'm supposed to have my period starting on Thursday this week, I hadn't even thought pregnancy was an option. And after talking about it with Poncho a few days ago, I'm actually feeling... I don' know the word to use. Sort of "careful what you wish for." But I didn't actually wish for a baby, not really. I just wished for the ability to have a baby. I'm worried now. But I'm sure it's nothing.

Off to CVS.

Ruptured

I had an ovarian cyst rupture last night. Oh boy, what fun that was. Lucky me - Poncho had some pain killers left over from his sore throat. I was able to get a full night's sleep and feel loads better today. But god, I felt like I was going to die last night. Or like I was in labor. It would come in waves, my entire core felt like it was cramped up in a bundle of pain, shot through with a stabbing sensation like my insides were some sort of pin cushion.

I thought I had food poisoning. But I never had a fever, or broke out in a clammy sweat or threw up or anything like I did when I had food poisoning a few years ago.

I've been thinking a lot about pregnancy. I have my second colposcopy coming up on a few short weeks. I'll have to have a LEEP procedure done to remove the affected areas. Removing bits and pieces of my cervix will increase the likelihood of a late-term miscarriage if I do ever get pregnant after the procedure. I won't be able to carry a child to term. I've been thinking about maybe trying for a baby before they cut me to pieces inside. I wonder if they could delay the operation for a year... It's a big responsibility, and we're not exactly where I'd like for us to be when we have our first child. But I would like to have a baby at an inconvenient time than to never have one at all. I'll have to talk with my family about it. And my OB-GYN. It might not even be a possibility, or a necessity, depending on the procedure and the severity of the condition and all that. We shall see.

Poncho, my lovely darling sweetiekins - I just want to say thank you. You're amazing. I am so grateful for you. I made a wish and you came true.

Gummi Bears

I can see your captivation
And it sickens me
Entices ticking
Minutes
Whiled away
Your every move an addiction

Those yearning eyes are pulling
Close and warm and breathing
So go on ahead
Show me the way home
It's late
I don't know my Mondays anymore

I wish I could forget
That sharp allure
Sparks in your fingertips
Like lemon-squeezed papercuts
Minty fresh
You make my ears burn

Those dreams are saccharine headaches
98 degrees and swimming in twisted sheets
It's time to wake up
Make-up
Aisle 3 clean-up
Spilled juice and spilled beans
My Freudian slip looks good under that dress
Silky, sultry
Outdated
The burlesque of friendship pornography

I can see it
Peripheral ephemeral attraction
Ashamed
Hidden
Spurting like volcanic acne
Orange Crush and salt water
Gatorade-flavored flirtations

I like it
Watch my hips sway
Dancing for you makes me hot
This whole room knows I can shake it
Even when they never look
Embarrassed of the potency
Or the blatant sexuality
Overrated eye contact is superfluous
I can feel it like a breeze

I can see the emotional output
Like atmospheric pressure on my brain
Barometer off the chart
Your intentions like a billboard
Hit single serial monogamy
I know my body now
I can't remember what it was like before

The proof is in the pudding
Smeared
Chocolate goo
Warmly sticky
Sweet and sweaty
Emotional slip-n-slide
For social lubrication

This slippery slope
Reeks silently of the undone deeds
My shoulders yearn for
So go on ahead
Massage my ego

Your gummi bear lust
Melting like childhood memories

I like the red ones best

Non-Smoker

I think that after a month and a half of not-smoking, I feel comfortable with that title. Interesting changes have taken place during the last 6 weeks of not smoking. I find myself getting offended when people light up while walking around - downtown, on college campuses, around babies, kids or teens; it's a little bit ridiculous how much my mindset and my perspective have changed as I quit smoking, and therefore quit the justifications of 'why this is okay.'

I still haven't joined a gym. But it's a goal.

I didn't smoke enough for it to change the way things tasted. I never smoked inside my apartment, so the place doesn't smell better. I do enjoy my clothes not smelling like smoke. That's nice. I find the smell on other people to be offensive now and not alluring, as I had previously anticipated. It just seems trashy now, whereas before I would hardly notice it - on myself or anyone else.

I still get random cravings. Mostly from triggers of things that are closely linked with smoking in my brain. Drinking, intense social interactions, emotional scenarios, awkwardness, sexual arousal via external stimulae ie. movies, social interaction, etc... That's another weird effect of not smoking. I've been more sexually charged than before. I feel more tingly and responsive to random stimulus. Like sex scenes in movies, or attractive people walking down the street, or even my partners advances. Odd but true.

I think the best thing to happen to me while not smoking was to understand that I could do it. Even if I mess up and fall off the wagon, I can get back on. To understand that as a possibility and that I am capable of that is amazing.

I am very proud of myself.

To Quit is My Goal

I haven't had a single cigarette since last Saturday. Tomorrow will make it my first official week of not-smoking. I have been wanting to quit forever and I decided that now is as good a time as any, and that continuing to have one here and there wasn't making it any easier. So long, cancer sticks! Hello health.

I'm doing well now. Monday was really hard. I've only had two cravings today and it was nothing gum and basic distraction techniques couldn't handle.

Poncho is next. He says he bought his last pack today. I wish him luck with his endeavor now that he's on the path.

I feel tons better and it's only been a week. Next up, gym membership. It'll be hard to get started, but once I get my foot in the door I think it'll be smooth sailing from there. I've always been really good at the maintenance stage of any plan. It's just that first initial hump that always throws me.

Wish me luck!

Dear John

I can see the tops of the trees
As the dog howls to my right
Down, down, down
In the hollow

(Holler)

And the fox's mating call beckons him
Bellowing
Echoing
These mountains twist the sounds

And I can see the tree tops
Through wavy glass
Old with age
Victorian elegance by the wayside
As the fox's love song makes my stomach churn

Owwwwww
Ah-ooh
Ah-wooooh
Oww oww

First Day of CPU^2 Training

I almost named this entry "The First Day of the Rest of My Life," but I'm hoping to go back to school at some point in the near-ish future, so let's hope that doesn't apply. Although, I must say, if school ever becomes a moot point, believe me - this is where I'd be. Benefits. Lots of them. And a living wage. Lots of breaks. A big comfy chair. Nobody yelling at you, except customers. And even then, who cares? I'm not working for tips. Yell all you want to. I'll take it with a big grin on my face and a fat paycheck in my pocket. I get free samples of stuff. I get to wear whatever I want. I am so pumped. Oh man. Life is good.

And did I mention I don't get pre-chewed food all over me? Or gross day-old ranch dressing down the front of my non-existent apron? If somebody here makes a remark about my ass, I can have them reprimanded. Try pulling that one at ANY of my past jobs.

Friends with Benefits

Poncho will be eligible for his full-time benefits package through CPU2 on July 5th. And I, -oh boy, oh boy, - will be eligible for MY full-time benefits package on September 6th! That's right, ladies and germs! Meghan got herself a position at CPU2. I start training on Monday. Paid training. $10/hr. Full-time. The hours I work every week will be between 30 -40. I will get my schedule 2 weeks at a time. I am so psyched. INSURANCE! I'm going to get insurance! In three short months. They also have a 401K and paid time off and all sorts of management opportunities.

I'm so pumped.

Grumblings and Other News

I was called in to work yesterday, and I was already scheduled to come into work today, so I only got one day off this week, on Wednesday. I work again tomorrow and also on Sunday, and they always schedule me to work Mondays and Tuesdays... so I'm really just kind of depressed by the thought of how exhausting this next stretch of days is going to be.

The last day I had off before Wednesday was Thursday, last week. I was called in on Saturday, and was already scheduled to work on Mother's Day Sunday. Man, we were SLAMMED on Mother' Day. We were on a wait until 4:30pm. I had party after party. It was crazy. I made a third more than I normally do on Sundays. It was a good day financially.

I miss Poncho. He's at work. We have conflicting schedules right now. I don't much like that. I hardly get to see him. He comes home when I'm asleep, and I leave for work when he's asleep and he's getting up to leave for work right as our lunch rush is dying down... It sucks.

We watched My Neighbor Totoro last night. It was marvelous. I love Miyazaki.

I think I might watch Definitely, Maybe tonight. Maybe. Or I might just play The Sims2.

The Aquabats! Show

The last time Guy came up for a visit with me and Poncho, he told us something wonderful: The Aquabats! were going to be playing in Carrboro, NC on Tuesday, May 4th at 8:30pm and tickets were something ridiculously affordable like $20 or something. Come to find out they were $17, and I decided that if I had off of work, we would go - Poncho and I. Guy came up with this plan of us all meeting in Greensboro around 6pm and carpooling the rest of the way in the bus he owns to Carborro. Sounded lovely, and we signed up.

Well, Tuesday comes along and I don't get out of work until 3:30pm, and I had to run by Aldi and get some basics we'd run out of - like milk and OJ which we simply cannot live without. Then I dropped all that off at the house and changed out of my work clothes and into concert diggs. I wore my Yo Gabba Gabba tank top and my frayed right-above-the-knee-cap length jean shorts, with my Converse All-Stars with the rainbow shoe-laces. I fastened on my chalice necklace and I was ready to go.

I head out to get Poncho from work, which is 40 minutes away. I grab him, and we kick it into gear down the highway, towards Guy. Towards Greensboro. Towards THE AQUABATS!

We are so pumped.

We played nothing but Aquabats! songs the entire trip down there. We talked about the meaning I found in several of their songs behind the simple, fun lyrics. We listened to Charge! which I don't really care much for, but has a few small gems. Fashion Zombies! is fantastic, and Waterslides! is really sweet. Stuck in a Movie! gives me a headache. These Hot Summer Nights (Can't Last Forever)! is funny and kind of sad and sweet and is a good throwback to their earlier stuff.

We left Asheville around 5pm, and we were supposed to get to Greensboro at 6pm. Nuh uh, not going to happen. It's a 3-4 hour drive depending. We called Guy and gave him the heads up. He - of course - will wait for us to get there. And since the Aquabats! are headlining, surely they won't start playing until 9ish. So we have time, right? Right. And Carrboro is only like an hour from Greensboro, so we'll be fine once we make it to Greensboro, right? Right.

Well, we hit construction traffic. We didn't have time to eat anything. I brought iced coffee, almond chocolate bars, and an apple and an orange for Poncho, and we split the chocolate and coffee and he had the fruit. I had half an order of homefries at work. Amanda ordered some and let me split them with her. But that was at like, 10:30am, and it was almost 6pm, and I hadn't eaten. And I didn't eat anything until the next day. The whole evening was a blur.

So we're gunning it and we blow into Greensboro at like 7:30, which is excellent time for me, but still late. Guy gives us hell for being slackers as we pile into his Echo for the last leg of the trip. We picked up Vegan, a nice kid, and he stuffed a whole roll of bubble tape into his mouth and blew bubbles at passer-by. Adam was the other kid we took with us and he was in a band so we talked music for a little. But mostly, we listed to Streetlight Manifesto and rocked out and I told them about where I worked and about the last Aquabats show I'd been to, in Winston-Salem. And all about how Jimmy the Robot had sung to me, on one knee, holding my hand during one part of the show. And how the Commander had hugged me to his sweaty man chest during a song, and how glorious it was to be alive. And how I'd hung out with all of them afterwards, and they'd signed my Aquabats hoodie. The Commander drew a little face. I remember it fondly.

Well, I'm obviously pumped to be going to this show, and remember the last show just pumped me up even more. But never, in a million years would I have thought that Jimmy would remember me from that show, four years prior. But indeed he did.

The show was fantastic. A good sized crowd showed up. Their was a slam-dance circle. A chick lost a chunk of hair during on of the rowdier bits. They played Pool Party and Pizza Day and Lobster Bucket and Martian Girl and Cat with 2 Heads and it was all glorious. And Lovers of Loving Love and Hello, Good Night and Captain Hampton. Oh man! It was awesome.

We were standing right in front of Jimmy's set up.
He kept locking eyes with me. He lit up every time I laughed, or sang along. It was really precious. Not that I was watching him. I was pretty much glued to the Commander. Who had noticeably lost weight. And I hadn't recognized Jimmy when he walked out to set up his synthesizers. I remembered him looking a lot more like Eaglebones. Who looked a lot like Kyle Olsen. Which kind of freaked us out.

So the show was great. The Commander did a backflip off of the bass drum. I was psyched. He hadn't done a backflip for the last show. It made me really happy to see.

So the show ends and I'm almost cross-eyed from glee. I stand in line at the merch booth to stock up on Bat Gear, only to find out that they don't take credit cards, as their neighbors do, but only cash. So I bought Poncho a shirt that says The Aquabats! love The Aquabats! It was cute. Bright yellow. I brought it outside to him, where he was hanging out with Guy and Vegan and Adam and smoking a cigarette and recounting the awesome-ness of the show. I chime in, of course. We're all geeking out about the amazing-ness. It was lovely.

Then there was this guy leaning on the wall next to me. Real nonchalant. Not imposing. Just kind of chilling. He says "How'd you like the show?" And I responded exuberantly "It was AWESOME!" and I go into all of my favorite parts and gush and gush and gush at this guy. He's not bored, but he's not joining in on my geek-dom, so once I catch a breath in between gushes, I asked him who he was - "So, are you with one of the bands? Or are you a roadie? ...Or something?" He looked at me with a veiled sort of smile, and said, "Yeah."

"So, both?"

"You could say that."

"Okay."

And from there, I just proceeded to talk to him like he was a very chill, very cool roadie. I told him all about the last show I'd been to, and the thing with Jimmy singing to me and how the Commander had lost so much weight and how sad it was that Jimmy seemed to have put all the weight that the Commander had lost on himself. He asked me which album was my favorite and I said Return. I have decided that it's Fury, though. Closely followed by Myths, and then Return and Floating Eye are kind of tied for second place after that, and Charge and that new EP with the Western thing going on are just kind of meh. He agreed with me and kind of chuckled and I started backpedaling and saying stuff about how it's still great even though, blah blah blah, and he's like, "No, it's okay. You're just being honest."

We talked about the sadness of the saxophone incident. I think that's when Guy and Poncho figured out who he was. But I was still clueless. It wasn't until someone else from the band was walking past us and said "Hey, Jimmy, are you coming?" that I had an aneurysm and figured it out.

I walked away, I came back, and I pointed an accusatory finger at him and said, "You're Jimmy?"

"Maybe."

"That guy just called you Jimmy."

"Yeah."

"You're Jimmy the Robot?"

"Yeah. But I'm just a guy."

"Did you come out here to mess with me?"

"Yeah, even though I really came out to get some air."

I think I might have called him a jerk before I buried my face in Poncho's chest. Some fans came up and asked him for various autographs, photographs, etc. Guy took this opportunity to make fun of me. I was purple I was blushing so hard.

He came back over as soon as the fans had dispersed. So looking back, he must've wanted to keep talking. So, reasonably, nothing I had said before could have been that bad. I was so flustered I tripped over my wording. But we did talk for a while longer. I got a picture with him, so I'll recognize him next time.


The Commander came out and I got a picture with him too.


They started piling into the van to head to ATL for their next show, and we headed out to Guy's Echo. I moaned and groaned the entire trip back to Greensboro. Once we got into my car to finish the trip and head back home again, I changed the music from Aquabats to Beatles. I sang along. I told Poncho to get some sleep. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to hash things over in my head. I was so embarrassed. Mortified. Ashamed. I felt stupid. I just kept thinking of all the stupid things I had said. I turned the music up, rolled the windows down, smoked a clove cigarillo, and wallowed.

I switched it back over to Aquabats when we were about an hour from home. For some reason, the sax and synthesizers sounded louder than normal.

Once we got home and into bed, and I was able to succumb to the exhaustion of being out all night (it was 4am), I dreamed about Jimmy and my humiliation over and over and over again. I woke up depressed. I spent the day killing off Sims.

But you know what? Jimmy the Robot likes me. He sought me out to talk to me. That's really cool. I'm just going to hold onto that. The rest can just fall where it may. Because that's pretty damn cool.

Things and Stuff

I was just outside and it is GORGEOUS out there. 77 degrees and sunny as all get out. Yay! While I was outside, I started thinking about all the stuff that I would love to do in this beautiful weather. I started compiling a mental list, and thought I'd post it so I can reference back to it later.

Tuesday, May 4th The Aquabats! are playing at Cat's Cradle in Carrboro, NC. It's $17/ticket the day of the show, and my friend Guy is trying to orchestrate a big bus trip to go see them. I'd have to get gas money together to get to Greensboro and back, and put away enough for food and such while we're out and about. But man, oh man. I would love to go.

Friday, May 7th at 7pm, my friend Will is putting on a recital in Winston-Salem, NC. I would love to go and show my support, but even more than that - I would just love to see the kid. I haven't seen Will since High School.

Patrick's summer vacation is coming up, and his classes let out in mid-May. I'd love to be able to go visit him some in Athens, GA so we can soak up the sun together. It's been ages since I've seen him. I miss him terribly.

My mom's birthday is coming up in June, on Wednesday the 16th. I'd like to be able to hang out with her that day. Even just for a quick visit. I miss spending time with my family.

Father's Day is Sunday, June 20th, and I would really like to do something with my dad this year to celebrate. We've been doing so much better as of late than we normally do, and I know it really hurt his feelings last year when I couldn't make it down that weekend.

My dad's birthday is Thursday, July 1st, and I would again, really like to make it down to do something fun for that. Or at least remember to send him a nice card.

Grandfather Mountain Highland Games, in Boone, NC Thursday, July 8th - Sunday, July 11th. I don't remember how much this is. But I would love to go. I haven't been in so long.

SUUSI 2010, held at Radford University's campus in Radford, VA during the week of July 18th - July 24th. It's approximately $500 per person, so in order for me and Poncho to both go I would need to save up at least a thousand.

Now I feel really broke and desolate.

Sigh.

Today's Agenda

I have the day off today and my agenda is as follows: take one strawberry-scented shower (check), apply one strawberry facial masque (check), consume two blueberry poptarts (check), check interwebs (check), play Sims 2, clean one bathroom sink, clean one shower/tub, cook one scrumptious dinner, hug one adorable Poncho upon his return home from work.

Nine O'clock Call-in

I got to sleep in today, an extra hour and a half. I usually get up by 7am at the latest, and have to be out the door by 7:45am to be clocked in at Cornerstone on time. I slept until 8:45am today and it was marvelous. I feel lazy and groggy and wonderful. I have on my fluffy slippers and matching robe and it is going to be a good day.

Poncho is at work all day, going through rigorous training for customer service and product knowledge for his new job. I'll miss his presence around the house today, but I am so very glad he has a job to be away from me for. It's such a relief to me for us to both have jobs now. I'm so grateful.

Whatever powers may be out there in the cosmic void, praise be and thank you.

This month, with my new job, I was able to pay off $600 on my one remaining credit card balance (now resting at $4000). I hope to continue making $600 payments on it every month, and at that rate, I'll be free of the damn thing in 6 months. What a lovely idea. Then there's my 2 student loans, and Poncho's 1 student loan to take care of. But they've got such lower interest rates attached to them. And when we get back into school, they're deffer payments until gradation. So I'm not as concerned with them as I am with the credit card. What a good feeling, to pay off debt. I love it.

I feel so hopeful and like I'm moving forward again. Hooray!

I was on call this morning, in case the restaurant needed me. But they didn't, and everyone showed up and they're not super slammed or anything. So today is going to be a day of rest and relaxation and rejuvenation. I think I'll start by playing some Sims 2.

Peace, love, and strawberries.

Cookie: My Anti-Drug

Instead of going outside, I will write another entry.

Cookie is now in Radford, Virginia. He is with his owner, my ex, Russell. Russell is staying at his parents' house until he moves again to Ohio, where he begins graduate school in the fall.

I got to see them both the day they left town, a week ago. Cookie was all agitated. His cage was gone, and all packed up in Russell's car. He just kept slipping and sliding all over the hard-wood floor of Russell's room as he dug through what little remained for my trace belongings. Poncho at my side, we all three stood there awkwardly and made pathetic attempts at small-talk while Cookie growled and nibbled at our feet and pant legs.

I remember how tiny he was when we got him from the pet store. He's the brown one in the pink thing in the middle.



I will miss that little bugger.

I remember how much he loved to play in the clothes hamper. I have a picture of that, too.



Goodbye, Cookie. I will probably never see you again. I will always love you, dear one. You were my favorite pet, even now when you are no longer mine. I will remember you always. I hope you are happy in Cincinnati. I hope you get as much attention as you want and all the veggies you can eat that you can comfortably hold in your adorable little bunny tummy. I miss you so much. I hope you miss me, too.


Okay. *Now* I'm going to have that cigarette.

Negative Associations

I forget how painful knowledge can be. I'm so curious, and the desire to *know* is just so strong...

I see a reference to an ex in a friend's status, and it makes me wonder what they're up to after all this time. Curiosity killed the cat? Well, I'm not dead. But I do feel sick to my stomach. I found out that Daniel is having a baby with his wife. I already knew he was married. He's been married for a while. But I wasn't prepared for a baby. Poor baby. He's not cut out for parenthood and I'm seriously sickened by the thought of him bringing life into the world. He's a pathological liar for god's sake. Ugh.

So what do I do to get my mind off that most unpleasant news? I start Facebook searching Russell again. I do it periodically. He hasn't even shown up in my search results for a year now, since he blocked me when we split up last year. It's like a nervous tick. I did it with Jay, too, for a long time with the same result. But she recently un-blocked me. Didn't add me, but un-blocked me. Sent me a random-ass message about make-up school. Odd, seeing as how we hadn't been on speaking terms at all for the better part of a year. Bizarre, when you take into account the fact that Jay graduated from UNC-A last year as a Sociology major and spewed nothing but dry, regurgitated facts from scholarly sources at you in conversation. Make-up, Jay? Really?? Tres you, dearest. Tres you.

Russell un-blocked me recently. Not sure when. He showed up in my search results today and I skimmed through his neglected profile. What little was visible to me, anyway. I deleted some old picture comments that made my stomach turn with talk of love from our relationship days, and then decided I'd had enough.

I made a mad dash for my next distraction:

...deviantArt.

Whereupon I looked up his dA profile and read his recently posted poetry and felt a bit better. Smug, even. He's miserable. As per usual. Depression is just status quo for Russell. And I'm well off. So I'm smug.

But yeah, it was just such a strange experience. All the mixed emotions. I feel sick. I really want a cigarette. I want to be angry. I feel defensive and ready for a fight. I feel all tense. My shoulders hurt. And my neck. My hands are shaking. I'm biting my lip and chewing on my nails and cuticles.

I think it's just all the negative memories. All the horrible things I associate with them. With Jay, Russell and Daniel. Such dark times in my life were spent with them. They hurt me. I hurt them. It was just bad all around.

I think I'm going to go have a smoke. I hope the rain stopped.

Lost and Found

I lost my foundation at twelve.
My heart at fourteen.
My virginity at seventeen.
My wisdom teeth at eighteen.
My independence at nineteen.
My sanity at twenty.

At twenty-two,
I lost my faith.

And at twenty-two,
I met you.

At twenty-three,
I have found these three:

Faith
Sanity

And
Independence

Lost to me
Before you loved me

And now,
I have found what I never had to lose:

Stability
Certainty

And,

Hope
For the future

Because now,
The future is worth waiting for.

Cornerstone

It's really quite nice to work in the food industry again. I'm relieved to have a job at all, much less one with full-time hours, bountiful tips, a hardworking team of dedicated co-workers, and a lovely work ethic. So basically - I'm thrilled.

Cornerstone Restaurant is a local establishment that's been here in Asheville for 15 years. Lisa, the server who trained me, has been serving there for 9 years. The newest server apart from myself has been there for 2 years.

It's owned by a Greek family. Mama - yes, we really call her that - makes all the homemade desserts in the kitchen. Dean is her son, and the actual owner, and he's super nice. Mama is adorable, standing a whopping 5-foot-nothing, and speaks with a thick Greek accent. She's a morning person.

It's refreshing to take pride in my place of work. The entire facility is super clean, and well-run, and just fantastic. I'm not at all appalled by the behind-the-scenes aspect like I am with other restaurants. The food is fresh not frozen, made-to-order, and affordable. Huge portions. I give out to-go boxes like they're going out of style. Our coffee and iced tea tastes better than any of the of the other eateries out there because we clean everything so thoroughly and so often, which includes the tea urns and coffee makers.

Every day of the week has a special side-work in addition to greeting and serving patrons, and your normal side-work, which is based on the order in which you arrived to work. I'm usually last in, so I get the Dressing Cooler, all the dressings, the condiments, and their associated shelves for cleaning and whatnot. I also have to sweep the Line before I leave, and clean my tables as usual.

Mondays are Booth Day, which means that we take the booths apart and wipe them down and wipe down every inch of the tables and chairs. Every week we do this. It's amazing. No other restaurant does this. And you can tell, man. It's gross.

Tuesdays are Blinds, Lamps and Ceiling Fans Day. We wipe all those things down, as well as dust everything we can get our hands on.

Wednesdays are Clean-the-Line Day. We literally clean the hell out of the Server's Line. You should see it, it's incredible. Scrubbing, sweeping, mopping, everything moved out of it's typical place so you can get behind it and under it. Every week.

Spic and span. I love it.

April Fools Day

I didn't do anything today. I feel ashamed and now afraid of what that means tomorrow will be like - my last day of training.

I played the Sims and watched movies and had a very nice in depth heart to heart chat with Poncho, and now I feel miserable and overwhelmed.

And to top it all off, Laura called and told us that she spoke to the landowner and they aren't going to allow a house rabbit. And get this - they actually tried to sell me on a hutch rabbit system. They want me to keep my pet outside. Hell no. If it was a cat or a dog, that would be considered negligence. I feel insulted. After all the time I spent telling them about the difference between the home environment and its effects on rabbits, versus the effects of living in a hutch outdoors. It cuts years off their lives! It's ridiculous. Never. I will simply not get a bunny if I can't give it the proper accommodations.

But I'm still upset about it. I was hoping for a furry companion to be joining our home sometime soon, and now that that isn't going to happen and I don't have that to look forward to anymore, I feel so dismal.

Gah.

Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and they'll call back and tell me it was a joke, and that we can really have a bunny. That they already bought us one, as a present for being such great tenants. Yeah. Maybe.

Day 2 of Training

Today was my second day of training and I am exhausted. My feet are swollen and aching. I made $5. I need to memorize shorthand for all the menu items, and all the prices, for everything.... I have tomorrow off. I'll be spending it getting my car fixed.

My car needs a lot of work done. It needs a new headlight bulb, and alignment, and new tires, and the cruise control needs to be fixed, and the driver's side window is squeaking again, so it needs to be looked at. And a light on my dashboard came on yesterday that says SRS in big red letters. Not sure what that means, but it needs to be addressed, as well tomorrow. Gah. Oh, and the driver's side washer fluid squirty thing doesn't work and needs to be fixed.

I have one more day of training, on Friday. Then on Saturday, I have to do Expo. Expo is what they call the person who gets the food out of the window after the cooks set it there when they've finished cooking it, and puts it on a tray and aligns all the plates for a table so the ticket is complete and ready to be carried out by that table's server - or whoever is handy. I'm so dreading it. Wish me luck. I'll need it.

I need to study the menus tomorrow. And practice my shorthand. But for now, I'm going to pig out on fruit and watch Miyazaki films with Poncho. I miss him so much when I'm gone all day. I hate being in such a bad mood when I come home from work. I'm just so tired. And customers are so mean sometimes. I feel so much better when I've taken a shower and changed into my PJs, but still - I'm just so drained. It's hard to not just fall into bed and pass out. But if I did that, I'd mess up my sleep schedule and I really can't afford to do that.

And now, movies.

Adieu.

Hot Hot Hot!!!

"Hot Hot Hot!!!" by The Cure

The first time I saw lightening strike
I saw it underground
Six deep feet below the street
The sky came crashing down
For a second that place was lost in space
Then everything went black
I left that basement burning
And I never went back

The second time I saw it strike
I saw it at sea
It lit up the fish like rain
And rained them down on me
For a second that boat was still afloat
Then everything went black
I left it underwater
And I never went back

Hey hey hey!!!
But I like it when that lightening comes
Hey hey hey!!!
Yes, I like it a lot
Hey hey hey!!!
Yes, I'm jumping like a jumping jack
Dancing screaming itching squealing fevered
Feeling hot hot hot!!!

The third time I saw lightening strike
It hit me in bed
It threw me around
And left me for dead
For a second that room was on the moon
Then everything went black
I left that house on fire
And I never went back

Hey hey hey!!!
But I like it when that lightening comes
Hey hey hey!!!
Yes, I like it a lot
Hey hey hey!!!
Yes, I'm jumping like a jumping jack
Dancing screaming itching squealing fevered
Feeling hot hot hot!!!
-------------------------------------------------------
Russell told me that this song is about drug-use but it's difficult for me to see Robert Smith taking drugs. He's so innocent, in so many ways. Adorable little guy...

Hello dearest, darling readers. We got our heat back today. (Finally.) The landladies filled up our oil tank again, so we should be good for the remainder of the cold season. YAY.

I think we're going to renew our lease in July. Stay here for another year. Figure out some sort of laundry agreement with our neighbor Mel, so we don't have to drive out to Madison County for clean clothes. Not that I mind spending time with Kathey and the gang, but it is an awful drain on resources at such a time as this, when we have so very little to begin with.

We're going to tack on some provisos for the renewal, however. Stuff that would make us more willing to stay here another year. And from what I gather, the land-owners need renters in this place. This property sat for years without occupants and it's unhealthy for a property to do that. Things fall into disrepair without proper use or maintenance. The apartment across from ours still hasn't been rented out. Unbelievable. It's comparable to ours, and costs the same to rent each month. $500 deposit, $500 per month. All utilities included. No washer/dryer hook-ups. No pets. No smoking inside. But the place is adorable, apart from one room that was inexplicably painted blue at some point. Who knows? We, in fact, were more interested in that one than the one we currently reside in - but Katie told us someone else wanted that one so we settled for this one instead. Complacent old us. Don't know any better. Silly.

Anyways.

Our list of desirables so far, as we have until May to add onto it as we see fit. This is what we were able to come up with last night in a fit of brain-storming:

That a pet house rabbit be allowed to reside within the apartment, with a minimum monthly pet deposit - refundable, of course - if necessary.
That a disposal be installed in the kitchen sink.
That the $15 paid each month to Katie & Laura for use of their wireless internet be included in the $500 renter's fee.
That a cable package of some sort be included in the $500 renter's fee.
That the windows be repaired or replaced, as agreed upon our arrival here in July 2009.
That the heating vents be cleaned professionally.
That some sort of air filter be affixed to the heating vents to prevent allergens from contaminating the air within the apartment.

That is all. So far.

I think we can get all of it no sweat, except maybe the internet and cable. But that's understandable, I guess.

I really want a bunny. I miss Cookie. So much.

Wasting Strawberry Fields

http://abcnews.go.com/WNT/video/wasting-strawberry-fields-10220551

Poncho Gets His License

Driver's license, here we come!

Kathey has signed Poncho up for a driver's ed course, which starts on Monday. She's footing the bill, and he will inherit Grandma Guthrie's car when he graduates. She's also throwing in a gas card. Yay!

This will help so much with jobs and errands and, well - everything. It'll be so nice to be able to truly split up the responsibilities, the way we've always wanted to. And this is one of the only things my dad has been able to focus on about Poncho, so it'll be so nice to get that out of the way. Maybe Dad will be able to start seeing Poncho for who he is, instead of what he can and can't do at the moment. Maybe.

That'd be nice.

New Job

I'm going to be a server at Cornerstone Restaurant. I'm very excited. I start training on Tuesday. Wish me luck.

Plum(b) Happy

Herman, how we adore you. Thank you, O ye godsent plumber from the boondocks. Praise be, praise be.

Herman is the name of the marvelous man that came today to fix our plumbing. He was wonderful. This experienced, well-behaved, easy-going yet hard-working guy with a delightful southern accent is my hero. Praise be to Herman! Patron Saint of Plumbing!

So. You all remember the other day, when I was bitching and moaning about how everything in this apartment is broken and yada yada, and on like that for hours? Well, the next day, I was nursing my emotional hangover and Poncho was doing PR with Katie & Laura. (Random Fun Fact: They call me "Lefty" after the song.) And they said they were going to get Herman over here to look at the problem with the clog - or whatever it was - that was backing up our bathroom sink. And we're like, "we don't have money for that" and they're like, "well, tough - it has to be fixed" and I was like, "!@#$%" and dove promptly into the bottom of a cup of chamomile tea where I stayed for the remainder of the day, occasionally poking my head out for a glimpse of whatever movie we happened to be watching at the moment. (We watched a lot of movies yesterday.) And the landladies responded to this unspoken sentiment (well, unspoken to them - I let Poncho know just what I thought of their position on plumbing) with a lovely compromise: "If the clog is the renters' fault, you guys can pay us back monthly in small, $5 increments; and if it's the fault of the house being old or whatever, it's on us."

As I was quite certain it was not the fault of Poncho or myself, I was appeased.

So along comes Herman today, and it's all I can do to keep myself from constantly defending our way of life in the means of pipes and water use. "We don't dump grease down the sink, what a terrible thing to do! No, we have a grease catcher for that. Nice, durable glass mason jar full of lard to prove it." Or, "Just look at the hair-catcher we employ with great care in the tub! We don't let any hair or grit get down that drain. Just you look!" On and on like that.

So, in order to occupy myself and not get in the way, I played the Sims all day. I made a new character that I'm quite proud of. H.P. Lovecraft, of the knowledge aspiration. He wants to be a Criminal Mastermind. He has 3 cats. Cthulhu, Nyarlet Hotep, and Shubnugoreth. I'm sure I spelled all of those names wrong, but what the hell - it's for a game, for fun. That's my excuse, because the real one is far too nerdy - I didn't want to downsize my game window to go online and wiki the name spellings because it takes forever to load the window again in order to open the game after being downsized and I didn't want to wait that long to play my shiny new characters. Cthulhu is green. I'm quite proud of him, especially.

Anyway.

So, Poncho dealt with Herman all day and they actually bonded a bit - which was cute to hear. Poncho's accent changed after a while, because he does this thing where he mimics people's accents without realizing it. He used to do it at the factory, and at Carlyle and it always made me giggle to overhear him like that with customers. So the day started off with "boy-ling" water and ended with "boh-lin" water. Made me giggle.

Well, after cutting holes in the wall to expose the problem pipes, and dumping tons of "boh-lin" water down on top of what turned out to be grease clogs buried way deep down in the pipes - Herman decided it wasn't our fault and we didn't have to pay for the dumb old clog anyway. He also fixed the water pressure in the kitchen sink - turned out the faucet had all kinds of gunk clogging it up. Gross.

Poncho and I celebrated our new healthy plumbing with some lovely spaghetti - yellow bell peppers, sweet onions, shitake mushrooms, and tomato in a parmigiana/oregano red sauce, with seasoned ground beef crumbles. Garlic toast on the side. Yum.

No One (A Poem)

Who knew?
A girl like me.
Someone like you.

And who'd've thought?
With eyes that sparkle
And dimples like mine
With earth-shattering laughter
And nothing to hide

You never knew
How could you?

Even now
No one
Even now

Open books
Open-faced
Open eyes
Open lies
Open like a 7-11 at midnight

Open means "Come on in"
It's an invitation
An open invitation

Me, I'm like a walk-in closet
Telling everyone I meet,
Begging, really:

"Come on in
Hang up your coat
Kick off your shoes
Peruse
the selection
And stay awhile"

Know me

Legitimize me
Solidify me
Stabalize and emmulsify
Submerge me in the depths of your understanding
Wrap me in the folds of the fabric of your affection
Spoon feed me the morsels of your limitless compassion

Know me
Love me

You never knew
How could you?

Even now
No one knows

Even now
No one loves

Even with eyes that sparkle and shine
And dimples like mine
Even with laughter,
Or self-deprecation

Even with
Nothing

To hide

You don't know me
You think you do
But you don't

Why would you hate me?
If you knew?

If you knew the salt of my tears?
Or the pain in my wrist
This carpal tunnel poetry binge
This dire need for self-expression

If you knew,
Why would you laugh at me?

If you knew how long
It takes to put on the make-up
And feel proud of this face

Why would you slander
That small ounce of pride?

Why?

But you never knew
How could you?

Even now
No one
Even now

No one

No One by ~strawberry-goodness

Who knew? A girl like me. Someone like you.
And who'd've thought? With eyes that sparkle And dimples like mine With earth-shattering laughter And nothing to hide
You never knew How could you?
Even now No one Even now
Open books Open-faced Open eyes Open lies Open like a 7-11 at midnight
Open means "Come on in" It's an invitation An open invitation
Me, I'm like a walk-in closet Telling everyone I meet, Begging, really:
"Come on in Hang up your coat

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Message

Who knew? A girl like me. Someone like you.
And who'd've thought? With eyes that sparkle And dimples like mine With earth-shattering laughter And nothing to hide
You never knew How could you?
Even now No one Even now
Open books Open-faced Open eyes Open lies Open like a 7-11 at midnight
Open means "Come on in" It's an invitation An open invitation
Me, I'm like a walk-in closet Telling everyone I meet, Begging, really:
"Come on in Hang up your coat

©2010 ~strawberry-goodness