The Cure (for the Scritch)

It's Black Friday - I'm in love. And I haven't done a lick of shopping today. We just don't have the available funds for it this year. But next year, just you wait! I'm already looking forward to it. I'll be credit card debt-free and livin' large!

I wonder where we'll be living this time next year... I hope it's somewhere swanky. Coming home to our apartment from spending even just a few days at Dad and Chrisi's was rough. The water pressure, the A/C and heating system... Man! Someday.

So, we survived - and rather enjoyed - Thanksgiving. My brother Patrick came up last Friday, and we all went out to eat at Doc Chey's with Livvie while she was in town. Pat spent the night on our couch and then went up to Boone when Poncho and I started working on Saturday. Spent Sunday with Mom and John in Boone. Monday, Patrick and I caravan'd down to Bear Paw, with Poncho in tow.

And we had a really nice time! Played a cut-throat game of Monopoly. Went for a "hike," to view a waterfall - in the rain. Lots of migraines for some reason. Stayed in bed more than I would have liked. But I have an appointment with my physician for Monday - doing some tests and lab-work. Mostly routine stuff, though. But gah, I hate bloodwork. Needles. Yeesh.

Tomorrow we go to my Aunt Suzy's for the Hudson Clan Thanksgiving Celebration. It's gonna be fun. And then next week, my mom's coming down to spend Thursday with me for my 24th birthday. I have no idea what we're going to do, but I'm pretty excited about it. And then Friday afternoon, Poncho and I are heading back down to Bear Paw to spend some time with Dad and Chrisi for my birthday over the weekend.

I hope I get a Kindle.

In other news, I've started using Reclaim - one of the skin care lines I service. I've been using it since Sunday and I've already seen a difference in my skin. I also hope I get a camera soon, so I can take pictures and post visual aids.

I hope everyone had a lovely Thanksgiving and a stress-free Black Friday. Aloha.

Grasp

Everything is within my grasp. I sound like an evil mastermind cackling about his supervillainy, but seriously. I look back over the last few months and feel so blessed. So capable.

I have come so far from where I started. When I first came here with Poncho last year, we could not afford to feed ourselves. We could not afford the first month's rent, or gas for the car for the trip to and from work at the factory out in Weaverville. I still smoked clove cigarettes. I remember being scared and angry and tired all the time. But I also remember being happy. SO HAPPY. Even in the darkest times we had back then, Poncho was my nightlight.

We have been together here in this place we call "home" for over a year now. I am amazed, as I look around me, at how much has changed since we first got here. The living room was completely empty because we had nothing to put in it. We had no pots and pans, no eating utensils, no food in the fridge, empty cabinets... I brought with me a bed, a dresser, a ton of clothes, and shoes, my 5-year-old laptop, 19" TV, a few DVD's, and a nightstand. That was about all we had. Almost everything we have accumulated over the past 16 months was donated to us by friends and family. We would still be destitute without their assistance, love and support. And look at us now! It's amazing. I am so proud.

We have better jobs, get paid a better wage, have damned good insurance, new laptops, desks, a living room full of furniture, groceries in the kitchen, an assortment of stuff in the pantry (that we bought and assembled last summer) stuff to eat in the kitchen cabinets. When we first moved here, Poncho kept what few clothes and belongings he brought with him in paper bags or in piles on the floor. Now, he has a wardrobe for his clothes, more than one pair of shoes. We are very well organized and well dressed.

Sometimes, I look around me and feel frustrated because I'm not living quite like I want to. But it's all part of the process. It's a journey. I've come so far already, and I need to take the time to really appreciate that before I hurdle forward into my future. I appreciate where I've been and what it's taught me. It's taught me to be gracious.

I am thankful for clearing out over $3,000 worth of credit card debt in the past 8 months. I am thankful that I found the strength of will to quit smoking so that I could find the strength of heart and lung to join up with a gym. I am thankful for my partner, and for the love I see in his eyes, and thankful for the will to live that it instills in me every morning and the will to let it all go, feel safe, and get some much needed rest that it instills in me every night.

Scritch - A Poem

I just want to feel beautiful
But there's a NEED
Chewing through the edges of my sanity
The cannabalist endeavors of my OCD
Can't stop the seething (hangnails) of hypocrisy
The suicidal tendencies of my Vanity
To smooth and soften
Smooth and soften
Hopelessly

I feel the need to be clean
So I'm picking at the edges of my decency
I can't help but tear the little patches of inadequacy
While my fingers skim perfectionary
And feel the places where I am most me
Ugly, surreptitiously
Feeling fidgets
Feel 'n' fidget
Horribly

It bothers me
And tortures me
This comforting and crazy thing
Perfection-free, perfection fee
It torments me impulsively
Sets me free
By hurting me

Bite and
Chew and
Pick and Claw
Scratching, writhing
Twitching
Ticking

Choosing to fulfill them
Just wanting to be smooth and clean
Means Polluting and Destroying the skin I'm in
To feel free from them
The cycle begins again

The Hypocrisy within my cause makes me want to
SCREAM
But I'd rather feel the smooth release
than live my life in scabbed disease

Elvis

I made smoothies today for breakfast. Chocolate-peanut butter-banana milkshakes. Yum.

I'm considering going to the Y today. But gosh, I just have no energy. I'm hoping the smoothie will jump-start my system. But right now, I just want to re-read Twilight and lay in bed and day-dream about what Thanksgiving and Christmas will be like this year. I'm so excited about the holidays. Way more so than I've been in a long time. It'll be so nice to spend quality time with everyone. And Poncho gets to come along! How joyous is that?

Still trying to figure out what to get everyone for presents. My list is so long this year. Maybe I'll give out hugs.

Cabin Fever

Spent the weekend with Dad and Chrisi at Bear Paw. Gah, it's SO beautiful there. And I had a really nice time. We took a 4 mile walk through the woods, along some of the paved walking trails. It was so nice. Perfect weather - cool, crisp autumn air refreshing you with each brisk step, and lovely fall colors swirling around amongst the evergreens beneath a bright blue sky with little wisps of white cottony clouds. Perfect.

Dad and I are doing really well. Better than we ever have before. He complimented my outfit when I first arrived, and told me numerous times throughout the weekend how proud he is of me, and how mature I am and how far I've come. I think so, too, but it's nice to have him in agreement.

I'm hoping to have Sunday off, since I already have Thursday, Friday and Saturday off this week, so I can head down to spend this weekend there as well. He offered to let me bring my laundry down with me and use their facilities. Dad even seems to be better about Poncho nowadays, too. He offered to let him come with me for the holidays. I'm so excited about the holidays! It'll be so nice to see everyone and be on such good terms with everybody and not feel so ashamed of where I am as a person. Man, this is great.

I'm so happy! Everything is going so well!

In other news, my shoes from shoedazzle.com came today and I am wearing my boots and they are so cute and I am so happy about them. They fit really well and I'm rather pleased with the whole program. I decided to skip this month, since nothing in the selection for November really jumped out at me and I don't see a reason to spend money on shoes that don't absolutely grab me.

Our next Gevalia coffee shipment is heading out our way next week, with some yummy teas and more chocolate raspberry coffee. I missed that coffee. We ran out last month and decided to just wait for the next shipment instead of getting more right away.

Well, I am scheduled to work today from 8pm-12:30am. As soon as I finish my cup of coffee (pumpkin spice, mmm) we're headed to the Ingles down the road for some grocery shopping. It's silly how excited I am about wearing my new shoes, even if it's just down the road to the store.

And hopefully, we'll make it to the YMCA a few times this week.

I love my life right now.