Saturday, April 24, 2010

Negative Associations

I forget how painful knowledge can be. I'm so curious, and the desire to *know* is just so strong...

I see a reference to an ex in a friend's status, and it makes me wonder what they're up to after all this time. Curiosity killed the cat? Well, I'm not dead. But I do feel sick to my stomach. I found out that Daniel is having a baby with his wife. I already knew he was married. He's been married for a while. But I wasn't prepared for a baby. Poor baby. He's not cut out for parenthood and I'm seriously sickened by the thought of him bringing life into the world. He's a pathological liar for god's sake. Ugh.

So what do I do to get my mind off that most unpleasant news? I start Facebook searching Russell again. I do it periodically. He hasn't even shown up in my search results for a year now, since he blocked me when we split up last year. It's like a nervous tick. I did it with Jay, too, for a long time with the same result. But she recently un-blocked me. Didn't add me, but un-blocked me. Sent me a random-ass message about make-up school. Odd, seeing as how we hadn't been on speaking terms at all for the better part of a year. Bizarre, when you take into account the fact that Jay graduated from UNC-A last year as a Sociology major and spewed nothing but dry, regurgitated facts from scholarly sources at you in conversation. Make-up, Jay? Really?? Tres you, dearest. Tres you.

Russell un-blocked me recently. Not sure when. He showed up in my search results today and I skimmed through his neglected profile. What little was visible to me, anyway. I deleted some old picture comments that made my stomach turn with talk of love from our relationship days, and then decided I'd had enough.

I made a mad dash for my next distraction:

...deviantArt.

Whereupon I looked up his dA profile and read his recently posted poetry and felt a bit better. Smug, even. He's miserable. As per usual. Depression is just status quo for Russell. And I'm well off. So I'm smug.

But yeah, it was just such a strange experience. All the mixed emotions. I feel sick. I really want a cigarette. I want to be angry. I feel defensive and ready for a fight. I feel all tense. My shoulders hurt. And my neck. My hands are shaking. I'm biting my lip and chewing on my nails and cuticles.

I think it's just all the negative memories. All the horrible things I associate with them. With Jay, Russell and Daniel. Such dark times in my life were spent with them. They hurt me. I hurt them. It was just bad all around.

I think I'm going to go have a smoke. I hope the rain stopped.

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