Hello readers, and welcome to my life.
This is a free-form blog, so entries will vary from post to post. Be prepared to get up close and personal. Turn back now, if you have heart disease, are pregnant or may become so, have nervous disorders, are incapable of compassionate human connection, are allergic to ibuprofen.... Or, stay tuned and see what happens. That's what I would do, if I found myself in your shoes. I find these things fascinating. Blogs, I mean. Journals, diaries, personal letters, Facebook statuses and the ilk. I love the insight into the soul, into the mind of others. It's so pure, even though it's so bias, so skewed. Fascinating.
I guess that my love of blogs and such is what comes with the whole "Psychology-major" thing, if that label still applies to me.
See, I haven't been in school for a year. I hated UNC-Asheville. I didn't fit in. I couldn't make myself read the textbooks, hash out data-filled papers full of shiny, regurgitated information. I could barely stay awake in class, if I could make myself go to class. I was miserable. I didn't get on with my peers. I felt alienated and alone. The campus felt dead and stifling. I felt claustrophobic. I didn't want to go to UNC-A. I wanted to go to UNC-Chapel Hill. I wanted to get out of small-town, Western North Carolina. I wanted to spread my wings for the first time in my life. I wanted to get away from my high school life, my high school crowd, my high school baggage. I wanted to start new, start fresh. Go big, go hard, go home. I've never really felt like I had a home.
Home is where the heart is. A house is not necessarily a home.
I've moved a lot. A lot. Tons, in fact. Transient life-styles make it difficult to feel anchored. I was very shy, and weird and quirky as a child. I was heavily medicated from 1st grade onward for ADHD. It was like living in plastic, and looking at everything from far away, through a small tube. A sort of tunnel-vision. I couldn't eat, couldn't feel. It was awful. I was sleep-walking through my life. I could focus, but I was empty inside. And school was so difficult. The curriculum would always change from location to location. I skipped multiplication. I moved and the school I transferred into had already covered it, whereas the school I had just come from was going to teach it the next year. Math was always hard for me. I was always an art-English person, growing up. In high school, I didn't even have that anymore. I got a D in English my Junior year. I didn't pass the AP Art Exam, either year. I took AP Art twice, since I skipped Art I my Freshman year and went straight into Art II. They told me I was the first person to do that. I felt special. I felt gifted. I considered going to college for art, which was strongly supported by my high school teachers. I changed my mind once I got to college, and decided I would rather act. I changed my mind again after taking my first college level Psych course first semester Freshman year. That's how I became a Psych major.
I guess it makes sense, the transition. It's all about people, isn't it? Psychology, philosophy, art, language, anthropology, sociology. It's all about people. I love people. Even as a shy, backwards child I loved people. I love nuances and quirks and trends and personal differences and social outliers and deviants.
But regardless of my love of people, school and I didn't work out. I failed out of several classes. I had major depression. I lost my father's financial backing and had to take out student loans to continue my education. A year ago, I applied for a new loan for the upcoming semester and... there was no money out there to borrow. The website I used was closed to new applications. All of them were. I had to have a co-signer to get a new loan, which I couldn't get for various reasons. With no money, I couldn't attend. I've been working or between jobs ever since. It's rough, man. I came from having everything on a silver platter to having to budget out money for food every week. I'm in debt up to my eyeballs. But I'm determined. I'm digging myself out. And I wasn't exactly doing well in school anyway, so I was relieved to get away from classes. I want to graduate. I want that piece of paper that says I'm accomplished, but gosh, it's hard to go through that system.
And with that, I'll end this little expos'e about myself, I bring this entry to a close and welcome you again to my blog. I've tried this before, blogging, but I always end up deleting it, or making people angry or getting in all sorts of trouble, or whathaveyou. This time will be different. I will say what I want. I will do as I please. I will maintain records. I will catalog. I will grow.
This could be really fun.
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