Why are people so shitty?
I really want a cigarette.
I'm in such a bad mood. But hey! that's what journals are for. Right? Right. So let's see, why I am in a bad mood? Why do I want to kick and punch and bite and yell and scratch out your eyes and... be generally very violent, today? Allow me to make a list for you, my most apathetic readers. No one comments on this damn thing. No feedback. Bunch of voyeuristic apathetic empty-headed morons! But why am I yelling at you? I have no beef with you. I really don't. I'm just generally pissed off. And here's why:
Poncho was let go from the god-sent Census Bureau job, as of 10am this morning.
Fuck. I mean, seriously. FUCK. FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!
I'm cold. We don't have any heat. We ran out of oil and the landladies haven't done anything about it yet. Okay, I rescind that statement - they brought us up a little electric space heater. But the water still goes cold halfway through a shower. The drain in the bathroom is all clogged up with who knows how much ancient shite we can't dig out, or afford to pay someone else to dig out. The kitchen sink has no fucking water pressure. Dog piss, Poncho calls it. And man, let me tell you - it's really fantastic to try and use dog piss to wash your dishes. We don't have a dishwasher, but we never did. Or a garbage disposal. Or washer/dryer hook-ups. FUCK THIS PLACE.
I finally watched the Guild. Fuck that shit. I feel even shittier now. I mean, for one thing - it just made me miss playing WoW. And then for another thing - I felt like such a complete loser. LOSER. Like I needed help with that. Ha. But yes. It made me feel even more loser-ly. I mean, these people were able to live like that. I couldn't even successfully escape into video games, to avoid real life. I couldn't even level up past lvl30, which is pathetic. Ask any gamer. I was too shy to even try Ventrilo. I was too shy for dungeon runs. I was too shy for guilds. TOO SHY. For the INTERNET. That is PATHETIC.
Who's even going to read this? Why do I type this shit? For my own benefit? I suppose so. I guess I do get something out of it. I feel self-important. I feel legitimized. I feel like maybe, this shit I go through means something. Selfish, petty, self-absorbed, self-obsessed, vapid, pedantic, tyrannical, stupid bitch that I am.
I don't know.
I'm so angry.
I am so fucking miserable.
What are we going to do? I have a loan payment on the 31st that I can't afford. We are so broke. I am so in debt. It feels so hopeless. And on top of all of that - I'm a bitch. An entitled, privileged, white bread, cocky cunt. Ha. Cocky cunt. Wow. That was intelligent.
Whatever. I'm going to go sleep or something. Fuck this noise. Fuck this scene. Fuck Facebook. Fuck Twilight. Fuck people. Fuck you. Fuck me. I am so... tired. And pathetic.
I'm sorry.
If you got through all that - I'm sorry. I'm just... so miserable.
But regardless- no matter what happens, you've got the love of your life. and you get to fall asleep next to him each night, and you get to wake up next to him each morning. and no matter how crappy stuff gets, you'll still have one another. that in itself is such a precious gift- so take joy in him, and in your life together. things will work themselves out... it sounds like you've been through a lot, but you're still around. this time won't be any different. you'll make it.
ReplyDeleteThat's very true. It's just hard to see that when I have emotional blinders on. But yes, I do have him. And I have lots to be thankful of. Tons to be grateful for. I have so much when many have so little. I have a roof over my head, and electricity and love and food and clothes, when many people in the world today do not. I have clean water to drink, and tea, and movies and poetry. I can read and write. I am safe. These are all things to remember.
ReplyDeleteThank you for commenting.
Hey I comment!!!!! But I know that you were not yelling at me, you were just needing to yell. I agree with anonymous, you are so lucky to have true love in your life.
ReplyDeleteI know that things feel like they are falling apart, but the two of you are strong enough to get out of it. You can move, you can find a cheaper/better place. It will get better and you will be better for having to struggle through it all. Otherwise what is the whole point to pain? Maybe it is just my own outlook, but I do even treasure the pain, because teaches me so much, it lets me love the good things that do happen.
Oh, and I think that needing to a freak-out moment, to be a bitch for a while, runs in our family. Whenever I feel overwhelmed I rant and yell and cry and that is not who I am on most days. But when I reach my stress level I snap, and it all comes out. (My mom is the same, that is why I work so hard to help her with family gathering when I am home). So rant and rave, let it out and then try and breath and find the good.
Yeah, I definitely wasn't yelling at you at all. I love you! And I never have beef with you! Even in the worst of times.
ReplyDeleteI was just yelling out into the void.